Well, I just got off the phone with my Doctors office, double checked that they got my records to we were ready to see my PCP on Friday. They had one missing packet; family medical history. They has two main concerns;
1) Has anyone in my family had any type of bone cancer? (Why the hell this applies, i have no idea)
2) Has anyone in my family been effected with an Auto Imune Disese, or MS?
NO!!!
Now im scared. I told them no, and It old the nurse that they already did an MRI to check for MS, so that wasn't an issue. She said, that family history is very important because it can be heriditary, and an MRI can be clean and the patient can still have MS. Well, I didnt tell them about Mike.
He just got it, no one else in our family has ever had it, so how can it be blood related? Maybe he ate a bad burger or something. They say MS can be caused by a bacteria infection, so... maybe thats all it is.
Anyways, all the symptoms I have match MS & Fibro. And with a clean MRI, whats the chance that I have MS? Slim to none! I hope...
Well, when the nurse asked I called mom, she said no to both, unless you count Mike, then yes. Because MS is a form of Auto Imune Dieses.
IDK... now im gonna be worried to hell untill Friday.
Anyways, maybe now they will finally do the Lumbra puncture (spinal tap).
What ever the hell is wrong with me, I just wish they would fix it, because its starting to effect my mind too. And I dont like the person I am becoming.
Me, Myself, and I
Its just Me, Myself and I
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
October 18, 2010 - Cant Sleep
There are some things in my life, past and current, that I dont share with everyone. We are all intitled to our own personal space.
This, is not one of those things.
I have no doubt that this blog probibly goes unread for the most part, but, I keep it for my own personal sanity. Weather you read it or not, like it or not, agree with what I say or not, is your business, not mine.
Today, its about my two sons.
Alex, while I dont get to see him, is my little man, my "Bubby". I miss him more then anyone knows or will ever understand. I placed him in his fathers care and was promosed to always be a major part of his life. But very soon after he began living with his father, i found those promises to be empty.
I dont get to see him as much as I want to. And now, i dont get to see him at all. I have no way there, and his father will not bring him here. So, what else can I do? I call every weekend, and weather or not they answer the phone is like a guessing game. sometimes I go two or three weeks without hearing my son's voice. But when he does answer, its liek hearing the voice of an angel. I dont think his father understands how much I miss him and I know for a fact he doesnt know or understand how much I love him.
Keaton, is another story.
When i found out I was pregnant, i didnt even toy with the idea of keeping him. I knew I couldnt care for him, and I knew I couldnt even think of an abortion; so adoption it was.
Now he lives with his God-chosen parents, and he has a great life. Unfortunetly, im not a big part of it. That is the decision I made. But, he knows who I am, he knows where he came from. And I know that every choice his parents make is for the best.
But sometimes, when im laying bed at night, and I cant sleep, somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, i swear I can hear a baby's cry.
That cry belongs to a baby i never got to cuddle during a 2am feeding, it belongs to a baby who's diaper I never got to change at 11pm. It belongs to a baby who's first step, tooth, laugh, smile, and word I never got to experience. That cry belongs to my baby boy.
One day, i hope it stops; but untill then, it will be a white noise that rings in my head when i lay in bed quiet and still in the dark.
Unknown to everyone around me, inside, i cry just about every day, and inside, i scream at everyone I see to tell me its ok, and tell me I made the right choice. While I know I did, sometimes i feel like I dont have peoples support when I need it.
This happens to be one of those times.
I need someone to let me cry on their shoulder and tell me its ok, that he is doing good, that he is right where he belongs.
Because sometimes, it feels like no one even remembers him. And thats really hard when i think about him at least twice a day.
This, is not one of those things.
I have no doubt that this blog probibly goes unread for the most part, but, I keep it for my own personal sanity. Weather you read it or not, like it or not, agree with what I say or not, is your business, not mine.
Today, its about my two sons.
Alex, while I dont get to see him, is my little man, my "Bubby". I miss him more then anyone knows or will ever understand. I placed him in his fathers care and was promosed to always be a major part of his life. But very soon after he began living with his father, i found those promises to be empty.
I dont get to see him as much as I want to. And now, i dont get to see him at all. I have no way there, and his father will not bring him here. So, what else can I do? I call every weekend, and weather or not they answer the phone is like a guessing game. sometimes I go two or three weeks without hearing my son's voice. But when he does answer, its liek hearing the voice of an angel. I dont think his father understands how much I miss him and I know for a fact he doesnt know or understand how much I love him.
Keaton, is another story.
When i found out I was pregnant, i didnt even toy with the idea of keeping him. I knew I couldnt care for him, and I knew I couldnt even think of an abortion; so adoption it was.
Now he lives with his God-chosen parents, and he has a great life. Unfortunetly, im not a big part of it. That is the decision I made. But, he knows who I am, he knows where he came from. And I know that every choice his parents make is for the best.
But sometimes, when im laying bed at night, and I cant sleep, somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, i swear I can hear a baby's cry.
That cry belongs to a baby i never got to cuddle during a 2am feeding, it belongs to a baby who's diaper I never got to change at 11pm. It belongs to a baby who's first step, tooth, laugh, smile, and word I never got to experience. That cry belongs to my baby boy.
One day, i hope it stops; but untill then, it will be a white noise that rings in my head when i lay in bed quiet and still in the dark.
Unknown to everyone around me, inside, i cry just about every day, and inside, i scream at everyone I see to tell me its ok, and tell me I made the right choice. While I know I did, sometimes i feel like I dont have peoples support when I need it.
This happens to be one of those times.
I need someone to let me cry on their shoulder and tell me its ok, that he is doing good, that he is right where he belongs.
Because sometimes, it feels like no one even remembers him. And thats really hard when i think about him at least twice a day.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Day #7
Today i slept untill 7 and after kats went to school i got back in bed. I finally fell asleep untill after 10am, and then i got up. But for most of the day i was laying down.
I made sure to eat while i took my pills and i really think i just have to take them on an empty stomach.
I made sure to eat while i took my pills and i really think i just have to take them on an empty stomach.
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Thursday, October 7, 2010
Day #6
So, today was amazing.
I forced myself to get out of bed when Andrew left for work, and it was maybe the best thing I could do. I was out of bed for about an hour before I took my pills; i ate a huge bowl of chicken and noodles while I was taking them, and i think it made all the difference.
I had planned to start taking my meds at night, but I am hoping that this helps me to keep my stomach settled.
I am just really hoping that I dont have to start taking them at night because I dont want to wake up with a stomach ach.
I forced myself to get out of bed when Andrew left for work, and it was maybe the best thing I could do. I was out of bed for about an hour before I took my pills; i ate a huge bowl of chicken and noodles while I was taking them, and i think it made all the difference.
I had planned to start taking my meds at night, but I am hoping that this helps me to keep my stomach settled.
I am just really hoping that I dont have to start taking them at night because I dont want to wake up with a stomach ach.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Day #5...
Ok, i cant even tell u know annoying this is getting. I wake up in the am and my stomach is still hurting from the day before; only for me to pop more pills in my mouth and start all over again.
I did buy a big pack of crackers lastnight, so i had some of those this am before i took the meds. Im hoping that something gives.
These are just meda for my depression and anxiety; im worried how i will feel once they figure out whats really going on with my muscles.
Scared to say the least.....
I did buy a big pack of crackers lastnight, so i had some of those this am before i took the meds. Im hoping that something gives.
These are just meda for my depression and anxiety; im worried how i will feel once they figure out whats really going on with my muscles.
Scared to say the least.....
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Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Day #4 - mid session
I dont know, really irritated.
I left for traffic court this morning, and i didnt take my meds right away because i didnt want to feel sick during court. Well, to hell with that
I started feeling like Iw as going through withdrawals, I was shaking, and freezing and felt sick to my stomach. After court, i ran to the bathroom and threw up. We went home and got my meds before we went to the grocery store, so i started to feel alttle better after i took them.
Lets see how this evening goes...
I left for traffic court this morning, and i didnt take my meds right away because i didnt want to feel sick during court. Well, to hell with that
I started feeling like Iw as going through withdrawals, I was shaking, and freezing and felt sick to my stomach. After court, i ran to the bathroom and threw up. We went home and got my meds before we went to the grocery store, so i started to feel alttle better after i took them.
Lets see how this evening goes...
Monday, October 4, 2010
Day #3 wrap up
Well, i spend most of the evening in bed, and when i did get up i felt sick the whole time. But we will see.
I had one person tell me that their daughter didnt make it past 5 weeks and i had another person tell me that after 2 months they started losing the side effects.
Andrew is pretty understading he is just worried about my depression getting worse because it has before.
Im hoping tomorrow is better because we will be out most of the day, and idk how i will handle it if im feeling this way.
Will check in tomorrow!
I had one person tell me that their daughter didnt make it past 5 weeks and i had another person tell me that after 2 months they started losing the side effects.
Andrew is pretty understading he is just worried about my depression getting worse because it has before.
Im hoping tomorrow is better because we will be out most of the day, and idk how i will handle it if im feeling this way.
Will check in tomorrow!
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Day #3...
Ok, so i got up after like 2 hours of sleep and couldnt even lay back down (although i am now!) So i did all the dishes before i got my breakfast- 1/2 peanut butter sandwich and 1 cup of chocolate milk.
So i just took my meds, lets see how today treats me!
So i just took my meds, lets see how today treats me!
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Sunday, October 3, 2010
Day #2 cont...
Day #2 on Wellbutrin....
So i ate dinner but im not sure how long its going to stay down. So far so good, but Andrew things i may be running a fever. Buuuut i cant find my thermomater.
He is going to go get some ice cream and im hoping that will work to help cool me off. The popcicles are starting to taste just as nasty as the tums!
So i ate dinner but im not sure how long its going to stay down. So far so good, but Andrew things i may be running a fever. Buuuut i cant find my thermomater.
He is going to go get some ice cream and im hoping that will work to help cool me off. The popcicles are starting to taste just as nasty as the tums!
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Day #2
Yea, not so much.
I made breakfast this am; pancakes. I ate like 2 of them, had my water, then took my meds. OMG heartburn city. I have now become best friends with my tums bottle because idk what else to do. I feel like im going to puke every time i move.
Part of me wants to just say fu*% it, but the other part of me knows that these two weeks will be worth it once the side effects are over.
Anyone else take Wellbutrin? Did u get any side effects like this?
I made breakfast this am; pancakes. I ate like 2 of them, had my water, then took my meds. OMG heartburn city. I have now become best friends with my tums bottle because idk what else to do. I feel like im going to puke every time i move.
Part of me wants to just say fu*% it, but the other part of me knows that these two weeks will be worth it once the side effects are over.
Anyone else take Wellbutrin? Did u get any side effects like this?
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Saturday, October 2, 2010
Day #1
Well, i started my new meds today. They have me on 20mg of prozac and 150mg of Welbutrin. So far i just feel like i cant sit still, it almost reminds me of how it felt when i was on the Adapex to help me lose weight. But now im crashing... Idk what to do.
Day 1 - took meds and felt anxious and nervous and upset stomach.
Day 2 - a lot better i hope!
Day 1 - took meds and felt anxious and nervous and upset stomach.
Day 2 - a lot better i hope!
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Friday, October 1, 2010
Secong chance at life
Well, tomorrow i start my new meds; prozac and wellbutrin. Im hoping that this new chemical cocktail helps me get a second chance at life. I been trying to find the right combo since i was 13.
At this point, im willin to do or try anything to get my life and happiness back. Sometimes i wonder if i ever will, but at this point, i just want to smile and be happy. With losing my friends, and having to call a break with my other half; i just need something that will level my moods and ward off the anxiety.
Here's prayin that God sends me a way out of this...
At this point, im willin to do or try anything to get my life and happiness back. Sometimes i wonder if i ever will, but at this point, i just want to smile and be happy. With losing my friends, and having to call a break with my other half; i just need something that will level my moods and ward off the anxiety.
Here's prayin that God sends me a way out of this...
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Sunday, September 26, 2010
Anxiety
Sometimes i wonder what the hell is wrong with me. My mom is picking me up soon to go visit my brother, and instead of being happy and excited, im sitting here with my heart pounding and thoughts of how to get out of going are running through my head.
I hate not having a car; it makes me feel trapped inside my own skin. I know that doesnt sound right... But when i had my car, i could leave when my anxiety level went up.
People who dont deal with it dont understand it. But lord knows i wish they did....
I hate not having a car; it makes me feel trapped inside my own skin. I know that doesnt sound right... But when i had my car, i could leave when my anxiety level went up.
People who dont deal with it dont understand it. But lord knows i wish they did....
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Saturday, September 25, 2010
Ugh.... idk why...
I wokr up this morning depressed and i really dont know why. I feel like i could just lay here and cry. I was in and out of it all night and hardly got any sleep. But now, im getting irritated and annoyed at everything, even sounds...
Sometimes i wonder if im ever going to be normal, and seriously, i just hate it
Sometimes i wonder if im ever going to be normal, and seriously, i just hate it
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Friday, September 24, 2010
Today is good :-)
Well, my dad just came to pick up food for Mike and the kids so they can eat dinner together at the hospital. I hope they enjoy it. I hate that i cant get there to see him, but maybe this weekend i will find a way. They stilll havent done his spinal tap so i know he is upset about that. I just really feel bad for him because i know what he is going through, only, my legs dont stop working the whole day, just a few minutes or an hour at a time.
In other news IM having a good day :-) i cooked them dinner, got most of the dishes cleaned up, and even started in on the laundry. Im glad i had more energy then normal, because i fee so much better when i can do things around the house.
So, im sitting at kats school waiting for her to get out... Myabe another 10 minutes or so.
Hope everyone else had or has a good day too!!
In other news IM having a good day :-) i cooked them dinner, got most of the dishes cleaned up, and even started in on the laundry. Im glad i had more energy then normal, because i fee so much better when i can do things around the house.
So, im sitting at kats school waiting for her to get out... Myabe another 10 minutes or so.
Hope everyone else had or has a good day too!!
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Thursday, September 23, 2010
Drowning in life
I've spent the last few weeks trying to find a doctor with no luck; well, I finally found one for my body, but have yet to find one for my mind.
Sometimes i feel like my depression is never going ot get better, and my anxiety is getting worse. Some people dont understand what its likfe; well, its like hell.
My anxiety keeps me from doing so much in life, that idk how the hell im going to make it till im 30. No matter what i am doing, i get these feelings that i cant explain. Even going to the grocery store is like a death sentence, so instead I ask Andrew to pick things up on his way home.
Then I started to notice; when i do get out of the house, my anxiety kicks in, and i try harder then HELL to push it off, but eventually, it takes over and i lose it.
we went cosmic bowling the other night with some friends and my sister, and i started feeling like I didnt want to go by like 4 in the afternoon and we werent even leaving untill 830. Well, i cant tell Andrew because I dont want to ruin his night, so i blocked it. Bad choice, because then, I feel like I ruined everyone's night.
And right now, my body...
My heart is pounding, it feels like I cant get a deep breath in, and im trying so hard not to cry that my chest hurts.
I have called every psychologist from Lakewood to Euclid, and no one is accepting new patience with my insurance.
This morning, I sat down to pee, and couldnt stand back up. Which usually, wouldn't have been an issue, except Andrew was home. I tell him about my issues, but for him to see them, makes me feel like he is more aware of how "broken" of a person I am.
Then my liscens thing - I dont know what to do. I have to pay all this stuff off, and we dont have the money; instead, i just sit here and cry.
People don't know what things I go through because not very many people have ever seemed to show they give a shit so why bother them with it?
I sit here and look at my life and realize, this isnt what I wanted. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom; but not because I physically cant work. I shouldnt be embarised about it, because it is what it is. But people make me feel like shit about it. Maybe they dont mean to, but they do.
And right now; in this very moment, i feel like everything is going against me.
My depression and anxiety is getting worse and worse and I dont know what to do anymore. I sit here and I cant even have a conversation with my daughter, or go outside and play, or do anything. Fucking - she tries to tell me a joke and I snap at her because "I just cant right now". Why cant i?? Im her mother!! I should be able to!!
But the sad thing is, I cant without my medication.
What kind of mother tells their child "I just cant right now"??
Sometimes i wonder what my point is here; Nate took Alex from my, I gave up custody of Keaton, and the more I think of them not being here the worse my depression gets. I feel like I cant function anymore; I feel like im pulling my family into this illness with me and I dont want that.
I want my family to be happy; I want my daughter to be happy; I want Andrew to be happy when he is here, I want him to WANT to ALWAYS be here.
He made a joke lastnight that he is usually fighting to come home, not to leave. I said "What do you mean?" he said its because of the way we fight.
Is it really like that? I block out fights and arguments because I dont want to deal with them, I dont have the ability to deal with them like a normal person. The more I think about them the worse i feel, the more down i get on myself, the more I want to scream at myself and self destruct.
sometimes I look around at this house and I think "What the hell happened?" I get up and start cleaning, and then not even half way through I think, "What the hell is the point, its not like your gonna be able to keep it clean, fuck it."
THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANDREW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANDREW CLEANS UP THIS HOUSE MORE THEN I DO SOMETIMES!!!!!
But what I do mean is, I sit in this house and cry almost every day; It sometimes doesnt even phase Kathleen anymore, but I am so scared it will when she is older. She doesnt understand yet, you know?
I wonder if this is how I was when I was younger? My dad didnt cry, he just yelled, a lot. There was some physical stuff to, but I have only ever spanked Kathleen two or three times, and Andrew hasnt ever spanked her.
But it scares me - what if she is like me when she goes older? What if this is life for us? I dont want her feeling like this! I dont want ANYONE feeling like this.
Pains in my fucking chest, my back, my legs; my body feels broken.
And i keep getting these sharp pains under my skin, and then i get a small bruse; wth is that?!?!
...... I just want a psych who can help me get my mind together. I need someone to help me. I need someone to help me so I can be a decent person and mother.
If i could have, just one wish, I would wish to leave this Earth. Because sometimes, I feel like im dieing a little more on the inside every day. And I dont want anyone to see me any worse than am now...
I want someone to hold me and tell me its going to be ok. But I cant keep expecting Andrew to do that; he cant carry the weight of my health on his shoulders.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Catching up on life...
It's been about a month since I have written, so I figured maybe I should get something down here...
A lot has happened...
1
Heather and I were friends again, and everything was great - She would crash here, we would all play games, eat dinner, watch moves; then something happened again.. pills and drinking.
I was hurt, you know?
I tried so hard to be a good friend, Andrew and I opened our home to her so that she had a "clean" place to hang out. But, for her to chose the pills and drinking over me, just hurt... Then i just found out, she never was really sober; she had been using behind my back during the relationship, and during our friendship. She lied to me about all the time she said she was sober. No, i dont love her like I love Andrew; i dont think i ever did, and when i thought maybe i could, she would start drinking or smoking or do something really stupid and it ruined it. But, God knew what he was doing, because it got me to Andrew...
2
I keep looking for work. I have to do most of the job hunting online and putting in online aps because we dont have the extra money for me to take the bus all the time. So, i kinda check out craigs list, or put in aps online at websites that offer it (wal-mart, wallgreens, CVS, Target, etc..) I'll be honest and say im scared. Andrew makes enough for us to make Rent, and gas and my child support pays for the electric, but we struggle when it comes to the cell phone bill - at the end of the money, we have to buy things that takes up our "extra" cash. (Shampoo, conditioner, soap, laundry, etc). A lot of times I wonder how we will keep doing this.
Andrew has gotten word that the hospitals are finally hiring again for what he went to college for; but, jst because they are hiring doesnt mean he is going to be first in line, and first in the door. He couldnt fidn work out of school, and he had to take the first job available. So, now he has almost a year with no experience; but he wants these jobs so bad. He spends some of his days off just going around and making phone calls and trying to get the jobs.
My biggest fear is that his lack of experience isnt going to help any. Im scared you know?
3
I've lost a few people who I thought were close to me, and those who are emotionally and mentally close to me, are far away.
Heather I lost to drugs and drinking...
Chris I lost due to his lies, I just couldnt deal with the way he was acting..
then Jenn - we lost her because her new girlfriend literally believes that she OWNES Jenn the way a person would OWN a house or a car. She told Andrew that neither of us were allowed to speak to Jenn anymore.
Jenn helped us alot; she was a really good friend, and she helped us financially when she could. But you know, it just pisses me off - the girl Danielle that she is dating; she has literally taken ownership of Jenn's life, and we lost her because Jenn was willing to let her do this.
4
My health keeps getting worse and worse and im scared to be honest about it. Today on my way down to do laundry, it felt like my entire body went limp. I fell to the steps and i just cried. about 5 minutes later i got up and was able to finish going down the steps and get back up into bed.
I dont know if people understand how its feels; im not even sure the Doctors have the diagnosis right; but hey, they went to school for this stuff, not me.
Now my brother is in the hospital for the same thing i deal with every day. Its a little un-nerving because there are many times I have had an on-call nurse tell me to go to the ER, but I cant. And going to the doctors is a fear of its own; we have to take the bus and i get scared enough that my legs will give out when we are out. But, imhoping they can give him some answers that maybe i can go back to my doctor with... IDK..... it scares me that he is going through this for two reasons; i know how this feels, and i wouldnt wish it on anyone, i joke about buying a cane, but a lot of times, its a chore in itself to walk from the couch to the kitchen to wash dishes... forget the time it takes to stand there and do it. I always feel like my legs are going to give out, and sometimes they do.
And secondly, maybe they will give him something i can take back to my doctor.
Well, thats all for now, i guess i'll post again in a few days for an udate on my brother.
A lot has happened...
1
Heather and I were friends again, and everything was great - She would crash here, we would all play games, eat dinner, watch moves; then something happened again.. pills and drinking.
I was hurt, you know?
I tried so hard to be a good friend, Andrew and I opened our home to her so that she had a "clean" place to hang out. But, for her to chose the pills and drinking over me, just hurt... Then i just found out, she never was really sober; she had been using behind my back during the relationship, and during our friendship. She lied to me about all the time she said she was sober. No, i dont love her like I love Andrew; i dont think i ever did, and when i thought maybe i could, she would start drinking or smoking or do something really stupid and it ruined it. But, God knew what he was doing, because it got me to Andrew...
2
I keep looking for work. I have to do most of the job hunting online and putting in online aps because we dont have the extra money for me to take the bus all the time. So, i kinda check out craigs list, or put in aps online at websites that offer it (wal-mart, wallgreens, CVS, Target, etc..) I'll be honest and say im scared. Andrew makes enough for us to make Rent, and gas and my child support pays for the electric, but we struggle when it comes to the cell phone bill - at the end of the money, we have to buy things that takes up our "extra" cash. (Shampoo, conditioner, soap, laundry, etc). A lot of times I wonder how we will keep doing this.
Andrew has gotten word that the hospitals are finally hiring again for what he went to college for; but, jst because they are hiring doesnt mean he is going to be first in line, and first in the door. He couldnt fidn work out of school, and he had to take the first job available. So, now he has almost a year with no experience; but he wants these jobs so bad. He spends some of his days off just going around and making phone calls and trying to get the jobs.
My biggest fear is that his lack of experience isnt going to help any. Im scared you know?
3
I've lost a few people who I thought were close to me, and those who are emotionally and mentally close to me, are far away.
Heather I lost to drugs and drinking...
Chris I lost due to his lies, I just couldnt deal with the way he was acting..
then Jenn - we lost her because her new girlfriend literally believes that she OWNES Jenn the way a person would OWN a house or a car. She told Andrew that neither of us were allowed to speak to Jenn anymore.
Jenn helped us alot; she was a really good friend, and she helped us financially when she could. But you know, it just pisses me off - the girl Danielle that she is dating; she has literally taken ownership of Jenn's life, and we lost her because Jenn was willing to let her do this.
4
My health keeps getting worse and worse and im scared to be honest about it. Today on my way down to do laundry, it felt like my entire body went limp. I fell to the steps and i just cried. about 5 minutes later i got up and was able to finish going down the steps and get back up into bed.
I dont know if people understand how its feels; im not even sure the Doctors have the diagnosis right; but hey, they went to school for this stuff, not me.
Now my brother is in the hospital for the same thing i deal with every day. Its a little un-nerving because there are many times I have had an on-call nurse tell me to go to the ER, but I cant. And going to the doctors is a fear of its own; we have to take the bus and i get scared enough that my legs will give out when we are out. But, imhoping they can give him some answers that maybe i can go back to my doctor with... IDK..... it scares me that he is going through this for two reasons; i know how this feels, and i wouldnt wish it on anyone, i joke about buying a cane, but a lot of times, its a chore in itself to walk from the couch to the kitchen to wash dishes... forget the time it takes to stand there and do it. I always feel like my legs are going to give out, and sometimes they do.
And secondly, maybe they will give him something i can take back to my doctor.
Well, thats all for now, i guess i'll post again in a few days for an udate on my brother.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Lost
Drag me from this hell
I have built around myself.
My body no longer submits
To the mind that I own.
I feel as though I'm locked inside
This house I created for myself.
I cannot find the keys,
but oh, how i long to be free.
I feel like I am posessed
By this illness that controls me.
But i pray and pray and pray,
but this illness will not leave me.
Alas, I cry for help,
But my body wont give in.
I wish I could give into my body and mind
And just bring it to an end.
I have built around myself.
My body no longer submits
To the mind that I own.
I feel as though I'm locked inside
This house I created for myself.
I cannot find the keys,
but oh, how i long to be free.
I feel like I am posessed
By this illness that controls me.
But i pray and pray and pray,
but this illness will not leave me.
Alas, I cry for help,
But my body wont give in.
I wish I could give into my body and mind
And just bring it to an end.
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August 21, 2010
Sometimes i wish i could climb into my own body and find myself again. There are pieces inside of me that are missing and i need to find them again. I need a way to fix the damage ive done.
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Friday, August 13, 2010
August 13, 2010
I wish I could erase the image from my mine; Grandma laying there in the casket. I wanted to tell her goodbye - to tell her I loved her - to tell her how much I care; but I got up there, took one look and just squeezed my eyes shut and bawled. She didnt look like my Grandma!! That wasn't MY Grandma - that was some was molded immitation!!!
She had been so sick; she was basicly skin and bones when she passed. That loose skin lay over her face like a poor excuse for laytex special effects.
Before we left, I walked up there, and closed my eyes; I kept my head down, and in my mind, I imagined her in bed at home - every time I went over there, even if she was asleep, I would walk in and wake her up, and tell her we were there. I would kiss her, and tell her "You can go back to sleep now, I just wanted to tell you I love you, and we are here." I always wanted her to know, I was there - because she always let me know, she was there....
I closed my eyes and saw her laying there in her bed; I held the birthday cake ornimant i had given her for our Birthday this year - I told her I just cant celebrate another Birthday without her - I told her I was sorry if I ever disappointed her; but then, it was like, i drew a blank,.. and her words flooded me - "Patricia, you will never disappoint me."
She was 88 when I came out to her as a "Lesbian", and i remember her words, "I just want you to be happy; God just wants you to be happy." Her words comforted me and told me, I would never disappoint her, because she just wanted me to be happy, for that, I will always be thankful.
I remember going to see her for the first time after Andrew and I went for our birthday; I sat down at the table with her, and I said, "So, you know about Andrew?" And she smiled and said "Yes, I know how happy he makes you." And she smiled, and of course, I smiled.
I remember telling her about Kathleen - we were out to dinner for my Mom's birthday, and I told her as we were walking into the resturant, and I remember I started crying, and she said "Patricia, things are just different these days." and then went on to say something about how she always will love having new babies in the family. She said the same thing with Alex, and when she found out about Keaton, and that he would be living with another couple, she always said, "Well, he IS still my Great-Grandson." Yes Grandma, he is :-)
Grandma taught me a lot of things; the greatest is LOVE.
She had been so sick; she was basicly skin and bones when she passed. That loose skin lay over her face like a poor excuse for laytex special effects.
Before we left, I walked up there, and closed my eyes; I kept my head down, and in my mind, I imagined her in bed at home - every time I went over there, even if she was asleep, I would walk in and wake her up, and tell her we were there. I would kiss her, and tell her "You can go back to sleep now, I just wanted to tell you I love you, and we are here." I always wanted her to know, I was there - because she always let me know, she was there....
I closed my eyes and saw her laying there in her bed; I held the birthday cake ornimant i had given her for our Birthday this year - I told her I just cant celebrate another Birthday without her - I told her I was sorry if I ever disappointed her; but then, it was like, i drew a blank,.. and her words flooded me - "Patricia, you will never disappoint me."
She was 88 when I came out to her as a "Lesbian", and i remember her words, "I just want you to be happy; God just wants you to be happy." Her words comforted me and told me, I would never disappoint her, because she just wanted me to be happy, for that, I will always be thankful.
I remember going to see her for the first time after Andrew and I went for our birthday; I sat down at the table with her, and I said, "So, you know about Andrew?" And she smiled and said "Yes, I know how happy he makes you." And she smiled, and of course, I smiled.
I remember telling her about Kathleen - we were out to dinner for my Mom's birthday, and I told her as we were walking into the resturant, and I remember I started crying, and she said "Patricia, things are just different these days." and then went on to say something about how she always will love having new babies in the family. She said the same thing with Alex, and when she found out about Keaton, and that he would be living with another couple, she always said, "Well, he IS still my Great-Grandson." Yes Grandma, he is :-)
Grandma taught me a lot of things; the greatest is LOVE.
Grandma - August 13, 2010
Today; I will try to be strong for myself, and others,but I really dont see it happening. I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach like I am going to be sick.
I always knew Grandma was old, but i never imagined life without her, and now that she is gone, it just doesnt seem real. I am scared to see her in her casket; to say goodbye to her. It almost feels like I am going through the motions, but nothing is real. I want to scream and cry, but i feel lik eI cant. I dont have the energy or the time for that matter. I don't think i could stop if I started.
My Grandma was my rock, my stonghold, and my guide. I confided in her about everything, and those times i was with her in that empty house; i told her my entire life, because she was the one who loved, but never judged. I remember going over as an Adult, and being at Aunt Janets alone with her, and laying my head in her lap and crying about Alex or Keaton; she never knew what to say, but she always said she loved me, and herthink fingers would stroke the hair on my head.
I went to Grandma for everything; from when i was a child to just a month ago. She was so loving, and she was so open, and she was so accepting.
But now here come sour time to be loving, open, and accepting; we have to love one another more then we ever have, we have to be open to the fact that Grandma is dancing with Papa now, and we have to accept that fact that she isnt coming home. We'll, I dont know if Im ready for all that yet. I dont know if im ready to accept that.
I still need her to tell me she loves me no matter what, I still need er to tell me that love is the only thing that is important, I still need her to tell me that I will make it through, I still need my best friend.
You know in the Bible is says the three most important things are Faith, Hope, and Love, but the greatest of those three is love? Well, Grandma taught us that more than anything.... I miss you Grandma, I just wish I coudl hug you one last time, or kiss your forhead and tell you I will see you soon. It will never be easy to leave Aunt Janets house and not hear you say "Be safe".
I always knew Grandma was old, but i never imagined life without her, and now that she is gone, it just doesnt seem real. I am scared to see her in her casket; to say goodbye to her. It almost feels like I am going through the motions, but nothing is real. I want to scream and cry, but i feel lik eI cant. I dont have the energy or the time for that matter. I don't think i could stop if I started.
My Grandma was my rock, my stonghold, and my guide. I confided in her about everything, and those times i was with her in that empty house; i told her my entire life, because she was the one who loved, but never judged. I remember going over as an Adult, and being at Aunt Janets alone with her, and laying my head in her lap and crying about Alex or Keaton; she never knew what to say, but she always said she loved me, and herthink fingers would stroke the hair on my head.
I went to Grandma for everything; from when i was a child to just a month ago. She was so loving, and she was so open, and she was so accepting.
But now here come sour time to be loving, open, and accepting; we have to love one another more then we ever have, we have to be open to the fact that Grandma is dancing with Papa now, and we have to accept that fact that she isnt coming home. We'll, I dont know if Im ready for all that yet. I dont know if im ready to accept that.
I still need her to tell me she loves me no matter what, I still need er to tell me that love is the only thing that is important, I still need her to tell me that I will make it through, I still need my best friend.
You know in the Bible is says the three most important things are Faith, Hope, and Love, but the greatest of those three is love? Well, Grandma taught us that more than anything.... I miss you Grandma, I just wish I coudl hug you one last time, or kiss your forhead and tell you I will see you soon. It will never be easy to leave Aunt Janets house and not hear you say "Be safe".
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Grandma
I sat next to an Angel one day, her hands covered in wrinkles that told a story of her life. Each deep dark vein gave way to the hard labor that kept her home running smoothly. The crows feet by her eyes show for frowns she has expressed; but instead the smiles she has eminated over the 92 years of her life. Her husband proud to call her his "Wife"; her children proud to call her their Mother; her Grandchildren and Great-Grandchildren not only Proud, but Blessed, to call her their Grandma.
On August 11th, 2010, we said goodbye to our Angel; And on that day, God opened His doors and welcomed her home into His Garden. And as she entered the Gates of The Holy Kingdom, her Husband, George P. Fraser took her hand, and led her out onto the dance floor, to be her Forever-Husband and Dance Partner.
I Love you Grandma
On August 11th, 2010, we said goodbye to our Angel; And on that day, God opened His doors and welcomed her home into His Garden. And as she entered the Gates of The Holy Kingdom, her Husband, George P. Fraser took her hand, and led her out onto the dance floor, to be her Forever-Husband and Dance Partner.
I Love you Grandma
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Monday, August 2, 2010
Grandma...
I didnt get to see Grandma today, and that hurts. It happens though, you know?
Last time i saw her, I whispered my prayers and love into her ear, as did everyone else, and I know that means alot to her. Its funny, there is one thing my Grandma always did in her life that the bible says.. "The greatest of all is love" and if there is one thing she taught us more than anything else, its love.
I never thought about how it would be like to not have her by our side. She has gotten sick quite a few times since 06, but never did she not come home and get better. My Uncle Ed pushed her, and she finally started walking without a walker, and she was getting her own food, coffee, etc. But these last two months, I guess she had been sleeping more and more. Well, now all she seems to do it sleep.
She is in hospice now, after a small stroke at home.
This time she isnt coming home; thats the hardest thing to deal with. She isnt coming home...
I want so bad to just lay next to her and cuddle her like I do Kathleen, tell her its going to be ok, that God is there, and so is Papa, and her parents, and everyone else.
But... no matter what she goes home to in Heaven, she wont be here with us, and that sucks. It really fucking sucks. Im sorry if im a little selfish, but it sucks. I just wish i had time to talk to her more, and tell her how much she has ment to all of us, and how much she has done for all of us. I am sure she knows, but its one of those "I wish i would have told her" kind of things.
I told her it was ok to go home with God and Papa, I told her Papa is waiting to dance with her through Heaven's doors, I evern held her hand and Sang Amazing Grace. But, there is always that one other thing you wish you said. But I dont think there is ever a chance to say everything... it would take alife time to tell Grandma how much she means to us, because she has spent a life time showing us her love.
IDK what else to say... I just really wish that... well, I dont know what I wish, because I dont want her to suffer.
But what I do pray, is that God wraps his arms around her and holds her for just one more night, so I can see her tomorrow....
I love you Grandma
Last time i saw her, I whispered my prayers and love into her ear, as did everyone else, and I know that means alot to her. Its funny, there is one thing my Grandma always did in her life that the bible says.. "The greatest of all is love" and if there is one thing she taught us more than anything else, its love.
I never thought about how it would be like to not have her by our side. She has gotten sick quite a few times since 06, but never did she not come home and get better. My Uncle Ed pushed her, and she finally started walking without a walker, and she was getting her own food, coffee, etc. But these last two months, I guess she had been sleeping more and more. Well, now all she seems to do it sleep.
She is in hospice now, after a small stroke at home.
This time she isnt coming home; thats the hardest thing to deal with. She isnt coming home...
I want so bad to just lay next to her and cuddle her like I do Kathleen, tell her its going to be ok, that God is there, and so is Papa, and her parents, and everyone else.
But... no matter what she goes home to in Heaven, she wont be here with us, and that sucks. It really fucking sucks. Im sorry if im a little selfish, but it sucks. I just wish i had time to talk to her more, and tell her how much she has ment to all of us, and how much she has done for all of us. I am sure she knows, but its one of those "I wish i would have told her" kind of things.
I told her it was ok to go home with God and Papa, I told her Papa is waiting to dance with her through Heaven's doors, I evern held her hand and Sang Amazing Grace. But, there is always that one other thing you wish you said. But I dont think there is ever a chance to say everything... it would take alife time to tell Grandma how much she means to us, because she has spent a life time showing us her love.
IDK what else to say... I just really wish that... well, I dont know what I wish, because I dont want her to suffer.
But what I do pray, is that God wraps his arms around her and holds her for just one more night, so I can see her tomorrow....
I love you Grandma
August 2, 2010
I want to open up, i just dont know how. I know sometimes the things going through my head are too much, and so far out of wack, that i need to think them through. Isn't that what he dsaid to me? I know that when i ask him what he is thinking about, and he says nothing, I need to just say, "Ok". And i have been doing that. But here is the thing...
Some times, when i get upset with him about something, it has nothing to do with what he did, it has everything to do with all the other stress im dealing with. So, in the end, it has nothing to do with him, he is just who happens to be there when i've taken all i can handle. Thats why I dont like to talk to him every time im upset. Because, if eel like, "go talk to someone else, and figure out what your really upset about, before you go blow up on him for something he didnt do." But... he wants me to come to him. I dont want to come to him! Not because i dont want to confide in him, or run to him when i need help; i dont want to come to him when im angry, because i need to figur eout what im angry about.
Some times, when i get upset with him about something, it has nothing to do with what he did, it has everything to do with all the other stress im dealing with. So, in the end, it has nothing to do with him, he is just who happens to be there when i've taken all i can handle. Thats why I dont like to talk to him every time im upset. Because, if eel like, "go talk to someone else, and figure out what your really upset about, before you go blow up on him for something he didnt do." But... he wants me to come to him. I dont want to come to him! Not because i dont want to confide in him, or run to him when i need help; i dont want to come to him when im angry, because i need to figur eout what im angry about.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
july 31, 2010
yea, I just don't get it. there are too many grown ups who act like children. why is it people have to act like they are more important than anyone else. makes me fuckin sick. I just don't underatand why people make themselves more important then others. when someone is dieing, I thought you were supose to pull together as a family. not make each other feel unimportant.
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Friday, July 30, 2010
grandma
So here I sit, next to an angel. she is sleeping, but I want so bad to hear her voice. I miss her already and she is only an arms reach away....
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Thursday, July 29, 2010
July 29, 2010
It is no secret - I am not perfect.
I curse, i get angry, i cry for no reason, I look at photos of my son Alex and wonder where I went wrong. I have slept with more people then i know because my teen years and early 20's were filled with more drugs then i'll admit to. I have had my share of stays in a psych hospital, and i cant even tell you all the names of the phych medications I have been on. I at one point had 152 visible scars on my forarms. Once I was hospitalized for taking 27 Zoloft at once. Why? Im not sure. Once I took 5 different medications at once for the same thing because I wasnt sure which one would work.
These were all in the past....
Whats in the current?
Admitting when im wrong.
Today I took a butterknife to my leg. I use it because I knew it wouldnt make me bleed, but I would get some kind of pain from it. Well, as soon as I felt the burning, i got pissed because there was no blood; up to my arm I went; blood.
Sometimes i dont know what to do. I feel like my life is this downwards spiral. My aunt says, "Its all about choices, CC!" Im aware of that. Why do I make the wrong ones always thinking they are right? I know ALL my choices werent wrong. But I swear I thought all the ones that led me here were right.
There are three things I wouldnt chage; Andrew, Kat, and Keaton.
But just for today, i wish i hadn't drawn blood.
I curse, i get angry, i cry for no reason, I look at photos of my son Alex and wonder where I went wrong. I have slept with more people then i know because my teen years and early 20's were filled with more drugs then i'll admit to. I have had my share of stays in a psych hospital, and i cant even tell you all the names of the phych medications I have been on. I at one point had 152 visible scars on my forarms. Once I was hospitalized for taking 27 Zoloft at once. Why? Im not sure. Once I took 5 different medications at once for the same thing because I wasnt sure which one would work.
These were all in the past....
Whats in the current?
Admitting when im wrong.
Today I took a butterknife to my leg. I use it because I knew it wouldnt make me bleed, but I would get some kind of pain from it. Well, as soon as I felt the burning, i got pissed because there was no blood; up to my arm I went; blood.
Sometimes i dont know what to do. I feel like my life is this downwards spiral. My aunt says, "Its all about choices, CC!" Im aware of that. Why do I make the wrong ones always thinking they are right? I know ALL my choices werent wrong. But I swear I thought all the ones that led me here were right.
There are three things I wouldnt chage; Andrew, Kat, and Keaton.
But just for today, i wish i hadn't drawn blood.
Monday, June 28, 2010
June 28, 2010
Hmmm....
Pride was amazing, but the night of Pride was a little rough.
But guess what? It doesnt change anything. I still love him with all my heart.
Sunday was like, perfection.
I never thought IW as going to be blessed with a soul mate, but Andrew trully is the other-half God created for me.
I know some people dont agree with "Gay" people, but suck it up and deal with it. If God wanted me different he would have made me that way.
The best feeling in the world is falling in love all over again with the man of my dreams. I love you baby <3
Pride was amazing, but the night of Pride was a little rough.
But guess what? It doesnt change anything. I still love him with all my heart.
Sunday was like, perfection.
I never thought IW as going to be blessed with a soul mate, but Andrew trully is the other-half God created for me.
I know some people dont agree with "Gay" people, but suck it up and deal with it. If God wanted me different he would have made me that way.
The best feeling in the world is falling in love all over again with the man of my dreams. I love you baby <3
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Cleveland Gay Pride!!!
Ok, usually I just randomly blog, about life, love and the persuit of my happiness :-)
Well, lets change it up now. I not longer need to be in persuit of happiness, because I found it! Thanks you baby (Andrew) for being the happiness I needed to find :-)
Today was Cleveland, Ohio Gay Pride, and it was freeking amazing! I got to spend it with Andrew, Kathleen, Jenn, and Lauren! We started off with Home Made breakfast and we have yet to finish off the night yet, But I can promise you it will be pretty amazing :->
Anyways... that's all. I just wanted to tell everyone how amazing my life is right now.
Why the change? Not only do I have this family, but I got my Aunt Janet back :-)
Well, lets change it up now. I not longer need to be in persuit of happiness, because I found it! Thanks you baby (Andrew) for being the happiness I needed to find :-)
Today was Cleveland, Ohio Gay Pride, and it was freeking amazing! I got to spend it with Andrew, Kathleen, Jenn, and Lauren! We started off with Home Made breakfast and we have yet to finish off the night yet, But I can promise you it will be pretty amazing :->
Anyways... that's all. I just wanted to tell everyone how amazing my life is right now.
Why the change? Not only do I have this family, but I got my Aunt Janet back :-)
Friday, June 25, 2010
June 26th, 2010
UGH!!! Fibro!!!
So yesterday I helped a friend clean her old apartment and put together her new one. But when i think about it, I really didnt do much... I put liners in the new cabnets, put some dishes away, and put the food in the pantry. Then at the new place, I wahsed dishes. Why the hell am I so sore today?? I feel like I got ran over by a truck.
My arms are killing me, and my back is killing me, and my legs feel like they are in water. Like, i have no muscles. Blah!
I really dont understand the point of this new medication - I take it every morning and every night (at least twice a day) like I am supose to, and at first it worked, but now, it doesn't seem to be doing anything. My arm sometimes hurts to much that i can barely get a grip on anything, like, physically! And my legs just feel like I can hardly walk.
In other news.... My tummy hurts :-(
So yesterday I helped a friend clean her old apartment and put together her new one. But when i think about it, I really didnt do much... I put liners in the new cabnets, put some dishes away, and put the food in the pantry. Then at the new place, I wahsed dishes. Why the hell am I so sore today?? I feel like I got ran over by a truck.
My arms are killing me, and my back is killing me, and my legs feel like they are in water. Like, i have no muscles. Blah!
I really dont understand the point of this new medication - I take it every morning and every night (at least twice a day) like I am supose to, and at first it worked, but now, it doesn't seem to be doing anything. My arm sometimes hurts to much that i can barely get a grip on anything, like, physically! And my legs just feel like I can hardly walk.
In other news.... My tummy hurts :-(
Monday, June 21, 2010
June 21, 2010
Whats the one thing you always hear from people?
"If one thing is for certain in this life, its that nothing is ever certain."
People say nothing is ever for sure, and things always change, and that nothing stays the same. Well, i don't believe that. I think some things in life will always be the same. I know that I will spend every morning from now untill the day I die looking next to me and seeing Andrew. I know that every night, when I go to sleep, Andrew is the last person I will kiss goodnight.
In my life a lot of things have been uncertain, but this one is not. We will spend the rest of our life together, and things will never be perfect.
WHAT?
Yea, sorry, thats just life. Things may always seem perfect, but nothing ever is. Well, no situation anyways. Telling yourself things are perfect only sets you up to be let down. In reality, how much is perfect? Not much, there is always at least one thing that throws us off track.
Well, Andrew and I are as close as it gets, but we have our bad days too. We have our arguments, our ups and downs, but in the end, we are still there, right next to each other, holding the other one up.
Its life baby.... its love.
"If one thing is for certain in this life, its that nothing is ever certain."
People say nothing is ever for sure, and things always change, and that nothing stays the same. Well, i don't believe that. I think some things in life will always be the same. I know that I will spend every morning from now untill the day I die looking next to me and seeing Andrew. I know that every night, when I go to sleep, Andrew is the last person I will kiss goodnight.
In my life a lot of things have been uncertain, but this one is not. We will spend the rest of our life together, and things will never be perfect.
WHAT?
Yea, sorry, thats just life. Things may always seem perfect, but nothing ever is. Well, no situation anyways. Telling yourself things are perfect only sets you up to be let down. In reality, how much is perfect? Not much, there is always at least one thing that throws us off track.
Well, Andrew and I are as close as it gets, but we have our bad days too. We have our arguments, our ups and downs, but in the end, we are still there, right next to each other, holding the other one up.
Its life baby.... its love.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
May 29, 2010
So, the Savella is going ok...
It made my depression a lot worse, but im working through it. Andrew and I hit some really bad spots, but, its going. He and I can pretty much make it through anything.
Things are getting hard financially though... I have been applying places, but no one is calling me back, and when im calling them back, they arent hiring anymore...
*sigh* What else can I do?
I need to go apply for disability but then i think, i hate the thought of collecting money and not working for it, you know? But, I also know I cant work full time on my feet, or sitting... I have to be up and down all day, or laying down or else my back and legs hurt if im in one position too long.... IDK what to do.
anyways, just a quick update.
*hugz*
It made my depression a lot worse, but im working through it. Andrew and I hit some really bad spots, but, its going. He and I can pretty much make it through anything.
Things are getting hard financially though... I have been applying places, but no one is calling me back, and when im calling them back, they arent hiring anymore...
*sigh* What else can I do?
I need to go apply for disability but then i think, i hate the thought of collecting money and not working for it, you know? But, I also know I cant work full time on my feet, or sitting... I have to be up and down all day, or laying down or else my back and legs hurt if im in one position too long.... IDK what to do.
anyways, just a quick update.
*hugz*
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
May 19, 2010
Today was Kat's doctors appointment... they said her ears look OK, and they think her feet are just because she is a little flat foot...
Well, what do I do now? They gave me come claritin for her nose and eyes and ears, and gave me a RX for Ibuprofen... hopefully it will work...
In other news, i go for my annual check up on June 4th... after that.... maybe, who knows... I would love for our lives to change in a way that only little feet can... We will see... if we can get financially in the right spot... then .... who knows... Only God, right?
Well, what do I do now? They gave me come claritin for her nose and eyes and ears, and gave me a RX for Ibuprofen... hopefully it will work...
In other news, i go for my annual check up on June 4th... after that.... maybe, who knows... I would love for our lives to change in a way that only little feet can... We will see... if we can get financially in the right spot... then .... who knows... Only God, right?
Monday, May 17, 2010
May 17, 2010
Soo... the Savella...
I have been exhausted.. all I want to do is sleep. But i cant. Everything else seems irrelevant - don't want to eat, don't want to shower, drink, or even have sex. But, i do all of the above hoping i will feel better.
The other day I woke up and my vision was blurry for about an hour? But it finally went away, the pharmacist said it can happen... but shouldn't last long. It IS a side effect he said.
Anyways, tonight is.....
MONDAY!!!
Yes.. i am finally excited about something... Nurse Jackie, and US of Tara!!!
WOO-HOO!!!
I have been exhausted.. all I want to do is sleep. But i cant. Everything else seems irrelevant - don't want to eat, don't want to shower, drink, or even have sex. But, i do all of the above hoping i will feel better.
The other day I woke up and my vision was blurry for about an hour? But it finally went away, the pharmacist said it can happen... but shouldn't last long. It IS a side effect he said.
Anyways, tonight is.....
MONDAY!!!
Yes.. i am finally excited about something... Nurse Jackie, and US of Tara!!!
WOO-HOO!!!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Drs. Apt and other ramblings...
so lets start off with the fact that i got to my apt at like 1020am, only for them to tell me they couldn't see me because the correct doctors name was not on my medical card.... HELL TO THE NO!
I just took the bus from Denison, down W.25th, past the west side market, and not for you to send me home! EF that....
So, the lady says she will call and see if she can fix it for me... then says she tried, and couldn't, said i need to call the Dr on the card and make an apt. NOPE...
I call Wellcare, and they fix it within like, ohhh, 5 minutes! Pissed me off...
OK, so anyways, i go into the Doctors, tell them what all has been going on... numbness, tingling, dizzy spells, blurry vision, weakness in my muscles... she says it does go along with the fibromyalgia, but sent blood test out for Thyroid, blood sugar, cholesterol, and liver and kidney tests. I am really hoping that everything comes back OK, but I'm due back in two weeks for a check up on the medication she started me on anyways...
New medication? Savella (milnacipran HCI) Tablets - lets find more about this little drug, shall we?
The following is from WebMD.com
What Is Savella?
Savella is a selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (SNRI). It is similar to drugs used to treat depression and other psychiatric disorders. In January 2009, the FDA approved Savella to help manage fibromyalgia in adults. Available by prescription, it is the first drug introduced just for this purpose. Previous drugs approved to manage fibromyalgia include Lyrica (pregabalin), a nerve pain and epilepsy drug, and Cymbalta (duloxetine), another SNRI.
How Savella Works
With fibromyalgia, you may have a lower threshold for pain. Experts believe this may result from changes in your nervous system. These changes cause you to be more sensitive to pain. This could result from the wrong levels of neurotransmitters. These are chemicals in your brain.
Savella allows more of these neurotransmitters to travel from neuron to neuron. It is not exactly clear how Savella works. But increasing levels of neurotransmitters may ease pain and reduce fatigue or help with memory. However, not all these benefits have been tested in humans.
How Do You Take Savella?
Savella is a tablet. You take Savella in two divided doses each day. You start at 12.5 milligrams on the first day. Then you increase to 100 milligrams/day over a one-week period. Although the recommended dose is 100 milligrams/day, your doctor may increase it to 200 milligrams/day, based on your response to the medication.
This is the recommended regimen for Savella:
Day 1: 12.5 milligrams once
Days 2-3: 25 milligrams/day (12.5 milligrams twice daily)
Days 4-7: 50 milligrams/day (25 milligrams twice daily)
After Day 7: 100 milligrams/day (50 milligrams twice daily).
Do not suddenly stop taking Savella.
What Are the Benefits of Savella for Fibromyalgia?
Before FDA approval, clinical trials of more than 2,000 patients reported improvements in many of those taking Savella. A larger number of patients using Savella than placebo had at least a 30% reduction in pain. They also rated their fibromyalgia either very much improved or much improved.
What Are the Potential Side Effects of Savella?
In trials of Savella, the most common side effect was nausea.
These are other common mild-to-moderate side effects of Savella:
constipation
dizziness
insomnia
hot flush or excessive sweating
vomiting
palpitations or increased heart rate
dry mouth
high blood pressure
Before You Take Savella
Have a conversation with your doctor before taking Savella. Discuss the risks and benefits of antidepressant medications. And have a clear understanding about your treatment choices. In rare cases, antidepressant medications may cause suicidal thoughts and actions. But this occurs mainly in children, teens, and young adults. If you or a loved one is taking Savella, watch for unusual changes in thought patterns or behavior.
Do not take Savella if:
You are taking or have recently taken another type of antidepressant called monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs).
You have an eye disease called narrow-angle glaucoma.
Before taking Savella, discuss with your doctor your use of other medications. This includes diuretics, triptans, or medications to treat psychiatric or neurological conditions. Ask if you should avoid nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs), aspirin, or other drugs that thin blood. Combining these with Savella may increase your risk of abnormal bleeding.
Also, before starting Savella, tell your doctor if you are nursing or pregnant or plan to become pregnant. And tell your doctor about any medical conditions you have, including:
high blood pressure
fast heart rate or other cardiac condition
liver problems or a history of heavy alcohol use
kidney problems
history of mania or seizure disorders
bleeding disorders
After You Begin Taking Savella
Take these precautions while on Savella:
Do not drive or use machinery until you are certain Savella is not affecting your mental or physical abilities.
Avoid drinking alcohol.
Talk with your doctor before stopping Savella and do not stop suddenly; this can cause withdrawal symptoms.
Be sure to let your doctor know if you begin taking any other medications, including over-the-counter drugs.
OK... Awesome... but here are the irritations I face...
1) So, under the "How Savella works"... Not all these have been tested on Humans?? Um, does anyone else see a problem with this?
2) Under possible side effects... "Dizziness, insomnia, vomiting".. Thanks, got those all ready because of the fibromyalgia... Why do I need a medication that could increase them?
3) "Before you take Savella..." it says mixing this medication with antidepressants might increase suicide... Um, hello Dr... I have been hospitalized in the past for suicide attempts (yea, I'm not proud of it people, but its reality), so... why would I want to take this medication when i haven't started any new medications for my Bipolar?
Anyways, at any rate, non the less, on the other hand... and what ever other expressions you can add here... I hope this works, because I'm sick of feelings, well.... sick...
Well, I will keep you posted on how the new medication works....
In other news, I heard from my Aunt Janet on Mothers day.....
I just took the bus from Denison, down W.25th, past the west side market, and not for you to send me home! EF that....
So, the lady says she will call and see if she can fix it for me... then says she tried, and couldn't, said i need to call the Dr on the card and make an apt. NOPE...
I call Wellcare, and they fix it within like, ohhh, 5 minutes! Pissed me off...
OK, so anyways, i go into the Doctors, tell them what all has been going on... numbness, tingling, dizzy spells, blurry vision, weakness in my muscles... she says it does go along with the fibromyalgia, but sent blood test out for Thyroid, blood sugar, cholesterol, and liver and kidney tests. I am really hoping that everything comes back OK, but I'm due back in two weeks for a check up on the medication she started me on anyways...
New medication? Savella (milnacipran HCI) Tablets - lets find more about this little drug, shall we?
The following is from WebMD.com
What Is Savella?
Savella is a selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (SNRI). It is similar to drugs used to treat depression and other psychiatric disorders. In January 2009, the FDA approved Savella to help manage fibromyalgia in adults. Available by prescription, it is the first drug introduced just for this purpose. Previous drugs approved to manage fibromyalgia include Lyrica (pregabalin), a nerve pain and epilepsy drug, and Cymbalta (duloxetine), another SNRI.
How Savella Works
With fibromyalgia, you may have a lower threshold for pain. Experts believe this may result from changes in your nervous system. These changes cause you to be more sensitive to pain. This could result from the wrong levels of neurotransmitters. These are chemicals in your brain.
Savella allows more of these neurotransmitters to travel from neuron to neuron. It is not exactly clear how Savella works. But increasing levels of neurotransmitters may ease pain and reduce fatigue or help with memory. However, not all these benefits have been tested in humans.
How Do You Take Savella?
Savella is a tablet. You take Savella in two divided doses each day. You start at 12.5 milligrams on the first day. Then you increase to 100 milligrams/day over a one-week period. Although the recommended dose is 100 milligrams/day, your doctor may increase it to 200 milligrams/day, based on your response to the medication.
This is the recommended regimen for Savella:
Day 1: 12.5 milligrams once
Days 2-3: 25 milligrams/day (12.5 milligrams twice daily)
Days 4-7: 50 milligrams/day (25 milligrams twice daily)
After Day 7: 100 milligrams/day (50 milligrams twice daily).
Do not suddenly stop taking Savella.
What Are the Benefits of Savella for Fibromyalgia?
Before FDA approval, clinical trials of more than 2,000 patients reported improvements in many of those taking Savella. A larger number of patients using Savella than placebo had at least a 30% reduction in pain. They also rated their fibromyalgia either very much improved or much improved.
What Are the Potential Side Effects of Savella?
In trials of Savella, the most common side effect was nausea.
These are other common mild-to-moderate side effects of Savella:
constipation
dizziness
insomnia
hot flush or excessive sweating
vomiting
palpitations or increased heart rate
dry mouth
high blood pressure
Before You Take Savella
Have a conversation with your doctor before taking Savella. Discuss the risks and benefits of antidepressant medications. And have a clear understanding about your treatment choices. In rare cases, antidepressant medications may cause suicidal thoughts and actions. But this occurs mainly in children, teens, and young adults. If you or a loved one is taking Savella, watch for unusual changes in thought patterns or behavior.
Do not take Savella if:
You are taking or have recently taken another type of antidepressant called monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs).
You have an eye disease called narrow-angle glaucoma.
Before taking Savella, discuss with your doctor your use of other medications. This includes diuretics, triptans, or medications to treat psychiatric or neurological conditions. Ask if you should avoid nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs), aspirin, or other drugs that thin blood. Combining these with Savella may increase your risk of abnormal bleeding.
Also, before starting Savella, tell your doctor if you are nursing or pregnant or plan to become pregnant. And tell your doctor about any medical conditions you have, including:
high blood pressure
fast heart rate or other cardiac condition
liver problems or a history of heavy alcohol use
kidney problems
history of mania or seizure disorders
bleeding disorders
After You Begin Taking Savella
Take these precautions while on Savella:
Do not drive or use machinery until you are certain Savella is not affecting your mental or physical abilities.
Avoid drinking alcohol.
Talk with your doctor before stopping Savella and do not stop suddenly; this can cause withdrawal symptoms.
Be sure to let your doctor know if you begin taking any other medications, including over-the-counter drugs.
OK... Awesome... but here are the irritations I face...
1) So, under the "How Savella works"... Not all these have been tested on Humans?? Um, does anyone else see a problem with this?
2) Under possible side effects... "Dizziness, insomnia, vomiting".. Thanks, got those all ready because of the fibromyalgia... Why do I need a medication that could increase them?
3) "Before you take Savella..." it says mixing this medication with antidepressants might increase suicide... Um, hello Dr... I have been hospitalized in the past for suicide attempts (yea, I'm not proud of it people, but its reality), so... why would I want to take this medication when i haven't started any new medications for my Bipolar?
Anyways, at any rate, non the less, on the other hand... and what ever other expressions you can add here... I hope this works, because I'm sick of feelings, well.... sick...
Well, I will keep you posted on how the new medication works....
In other news, I heard from my Aunt Janet on Mothers day.....
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Letter from Her...
Well, today I got a letter from my Aunt Janet. It was an attached document, and, i didnt open it.
I dont think I can open it. I dont know what it says, but unless it says that we can have a relationship again, then, i dont need or want to read it.
I miss her, more than she knows... I miss her a lot.
I told her I was sorry for all the things I said, but i cant choose between Andrew, and the rest of my family. Its not a decision I am willing to make, not now... and I dont know if I ever will be able to.
I dont think I can open it. I dont know what it says, but unless it says that we can have a relationship again, then, i dont need or want to read it.
I miss her, more than she knows... I miss her a lot.
I told her I was sorry for all the things I said, but i cant choose between Andrew, and the rest of my family. Its not a decision I am willing to make, not now... and I dont know if I ever will be able to.
Sadness...
Another Poem from Early 2009
Black as the clouds rolling in,
the thunder is as loud as my cries.
As he holds me down I fear my life,
Soon it will be over.
I wake to find he is gone,
I dont remember sleeping.
I blinked, and he was gone,
But the memory still is there.
Before breakfast I will shower,
Dont let them see your pain.
If she knows, will he hurt her to?
Dont chance it, just be good...
"Its your own fault" they say to a 10 yearold,
I remember his words,
The big brown van,
as we drove home.
Turn age 13...
Sunburnt and blistered,
My skin is numb yet on fire.
It was the shirt i wore,
the bra i did not wear...
"Do you know what he did?"
"It was not right or wrong, look at her."
I will never forget these words,
Not will i forgive him.
But I should,
I fed the man who took my womanhood before I was old enough to know what it was..
I fed him while he asked who I was because the tumor let him not know....
I fed him because the man who said it was not wrong was to weak from spending all day at his bedside.
Yes still... at 25, it is my fault
Yet still... i wish i had done something different.
Yet still... I pray for my Papa, he would have saved me, and not let this man touch me.
Yet still... I fear my daughters chance of survival in this world.
I still question my ability to make decisions that wont threaten my daughter,
I still question my ability to make decisions that wont threaten myself,
I still question my ability to make decisions that wont cause us harm,
I still question my ability to make any decisions...
Black as the clouds rolling in,
the thunder is as loud as my cries.
As he holds me down I fear my life,
Soon it will be over.
I wake to find he is gone,
I dont remember sleeping.
I blinked, and he was gone,
But the memory still is there.
Before breakfast I will shower,
Dont let them see your pain.
If she knows, will he hurt her to?
Dont chance it, just be good...
"Its your own fault" they say to a 10 yearold,
I remember his words,
The big brown van,
as we drove home.
Turn age 13...
Sunburnt and blistered,
My skin is numb yet on fire.
It was the shirt i wore,
the bra i did not wear...
"Do you know what he did?"
"It was not right or wrong, look at her."
I will never forget these words,
Not will i forgive him.
But I should,
I fed the man who took my womanhood before I was old enough to know what it was..
I fed him while he asked who I was because the tumor let him not know....
I fed him because the man who said it was not wrong was to weak from spending all day at his bedside.
Yes still... at 25, it is my fault
Yet still... i wish i had done something different.
Yet still... I pray for my Papa, he would have saved me, and not let this man touch me.
Yet still... I fear my daughters chance of survival in this world.
I still question my ability to make decisions that wont threaten my daughter,
I still question my ability to make decisions that wont threaten myself,
I still question my ability to make decisions that wont cause us harm,
I still question my ability to make any decisions...
Just an old Poem I wrote back in Feb of 2009
Waiting....
Has my heart not hung heavy for you?
Have I not laid down and waited in patience?
Yet still my pillow is dampened with my tears.
You promised that love would come soon,
You promised me that happiness would come.
I can no longer be consumed by this void.
My arms are heavy from holding myself up,
My hands are weak from holding each other.
My heart is sore from skipping beats when we goes by.
Dare I speak out of turn?
Shall he think I am weak?
Does he glance my way for interest or confusion?
When will my questions be answered?
Have I not waited out long enough?
Have I not sat still in bed when I heard others calling?
Have I not saved myself from the lovers who beckoned me to their beds?
Did I not surrender myself to you and promise to wait for the lover YOU would send?
Tell me my time is coming,
Tell me he will call for me soon.
Tell me that he thinks of me from time to time,
Tell me that my hours wasted on him,
The images of him in my head;
Tell me the time i spend gazing at him is not n vein.
For if I should spend one more year alone,
My heart shall fail to seek his love.
Then where, oh God, shall that leave him?
Tell my lover to wait,
Tell him someone else waits, the same way he does,
Do not let him stray from what he has not yet known.
For if he does not know of your plans for he and I yet,
Then assure his heart something good is coming,
And I will promise to keep my bed bare in white sheets.
But if all this is done in vein,
If you do not have the plans for me to be loved,
Then strike my heart with a cold stone,
So that I might be softened to those who do not make my breath heavy.
Let me accept those I could never love,
So that at least part of my heart,
The part that longs to care for someone;
The part that long to cares for a family,
May find pleasure, and fulfillment.
If I may not know the love of a man,
At least let me give my love to one.
Waiting....
Has my heart not hung heavy for you?
Have I not laid down and waited in patience?
Yet still my pillow is dampened with my tears.
You promised that love would come soon,
You promised me that happiness would come.
I can no longer be consumed by this void.
My arms are heavy from holding myself up,
My hands are weak from holding each other.
My heart is sore from skipping beats when we goes by.
Dare I speak out of turn?
Shall he think I am weak?
Does he glance my way for interest or confusion?
When will my questions be answered?
Have I not waited out long enough?
Have I not sat still in bed when I heard others calling?
Have I not saved myself from the lovers who beckoned me to their beds?
Did I not surrender myself to you and promise to wait for the lover YOU would send?
Tell me my time is coming,
Tell me he will call for me soon.
Tell me that he thinks of me from time to time,
Tell me that my hours wasted on him,
The images of him in my head;
Tell me the time i spend gazing at him is not n vein.
For if I should spend one more year alone,
My heart shall fail to seek his love.
Then where, oh God, shall that leave him?
Tell my lover to wait,
Tell him someone else waits, the same way he does,
Do not let him stray from what he has not yet known.
For if he does not know of your plans for he and I yet,
Then assure his heart something good is coming,
And I will promise to keep my bed bare in white sheets.
But if all this is done in vein,
If you do not have the plans for me to be loved,
Then strike my heart with a cold stone,
So that I might be softened to those who do not make my breath heavy.
Let me accept those I could never love,
So that at least part of my heart,
The part that longs to care for someone;
The part that long to cares for a family,
May find pleasure, and fulfillment.
If I may not know the love of a man,
At least let me give my love to one.
Survey- something new
A
- Available: Nopers
- Age: 27 - i feel old
- Annoyance: When people run their mouth a dont know which way they are even talking
- Animal: Too many
B
- Beer: But Lite... ICE old - like out of the freezer cold
- Birthday: 3/5
- Best Friend: I guess Andrew, he is the only one i trust enough to open up to
- Body Part on opposite sex: Mind/Heart
- Been in Love: yes
- Been on stage?: yes
- Believe in Magic: yes
- Believe in Santa: yes i believe in myself, lol
C
- Candy: Sour Patch Kids
- Color: Pink
- Chocolate/Vanilla: Chocolate if i had to pick
- Chinese/Mexican: Chinese
- Cake or pie: depends :)
- Continent to visit: Africa
- Cheese: YUMMY
D
- Day or Night: Night
- Dancing in the rain: Always in the summer :)
E
- Eyes: Brown
- Everyone's got: skin :)
F
- First thoughts waking up: Another Day :o)
- Food: salad
G
- Greatest Fear: Trusting Someone
- Goals: Cure for this stupid depression
- Gum: Bubble
- Get along with your parents?: not my dad
H
- Hair Color: Brown
- Height: 5'5"
- Holiday: 4th of July
- How do you want to die: In my sleep
I
- Ice Cream: Coffee
- Instrument: Guitar
J
- Jewelry: my ring
- Job: Home Maker
K
- Kids: Kathleen, Alex, Keaton
- Keep a journal? three of them
L
- Love: Hard
- Letter: K
- Laughed so hard you cried: Yes
M
- Milk flavor: Chocolate
- Movies: Cuddling
- Motion sickness?: back seat only
- McD’s or BK?: neither
N
- Number: 7
O
- One wish: happiness without interuption
P
- Pepsi/Coke: Cherry Pepsi
- Perfect Pizza: Cheese
- Piercings: yes please
Q
- Quail: No thank you.. thats mean
R
- Reason to cry: many
- Reality T.V.: Ghost Hunters
- Radio Station: whats a radio station?
- Roll your tongue in a circle: ohhh you wish you knew ;)
S
- Song: anything DMB
- Shoe size: 8.5
- Salad Dressing: balsamic
- Sushi:yes please
- Skinny dipped? yep
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries
T
- Tattoos?: 3
- Time for bed: depends
U
- Unpredictable: men
V
- Vacation spot(s): my front pourch, watchin the clouds go by
W
- Weakness: a man with stong arms
- Worst feeling: Loosing someone
- Wanted to be a model: never
- Worst Weather?: snow/ice storms
X
- X-Rays: a lot
Y
-Year it is now: 2010
-Yellow: lemmon
Z
- Zoo animal: Tiger!!!
- Available: Nopers
- Age: 27 - i feel old
- Annoyance: When people run their mouth a dont know which way they are even talking
- Animal: Too many
B
- Beer: But Lite... ICE old - like out of the freezer cold
- Birthday: 3/5
- Best Friend: I guess Andrew, he is the only one i trust enough to open up to
- Body Part on opposite sex: Mind/Heart
- Been in Love: yes
- Been on stage?: yes
- Believe in Magic: yes
- Believe in Santa: yes i believe in myself, lol
C
- Candy: Sour Patch Kids
- Color: Pink
- Chocolate/Vanilla: Chocolate if i had to pick
- Chinese/Mexican: Chinese
- Cake or pie: depends :)
- Continent to visit: Africa
- Cheese: YUMMY
D
- Day or Night: Night
- Dancing in the rain: Always in the summer :)
E
- Eyes: Brown
- Everyone's got: skin :)
F
- First thoughts waking up: Another Day :o)
- Food: salad
G
- Greatest Fear: Trusting Someone
- Goals: Cure for this stupid depression
- Gum: Bubble
- Get along with your parents?: not my dad
H
- Hair Color: Brown
- Height: 5'5"
- Holiday: 4th of July
- How do you want to die: In my sleep
I
- Ice Cream: Coffee
- Instrument: Guitar
J
- Jewelry: my ring
- Job: Home Maker
K
- Kids: Kathleen, Alex, Keaton
- Keep a journal? three of them
L
- Love: Hard
- Letter: K
- Laughed so hard you cried: Yes
M
- Milk flavor: Chocolate
- Movies: Cuddling
- Motion sickness?: back seat only
- McD’s or BK?: neither
N
- Number: 7
O
- One wish: happiness without interuption
P
- Pepsi/Coke: Cherry Pepsi
- Perfect Pizza: Cheese
- Piercings: yes please
Q
- Quail: No thank you.. thats mean
R
- Reason to cry: many
- Reality T.V.: Ghost Hunters
- Radio Station: whats a radio station?
- Roll your tongue in a circle: ohhh you wish you knew ;)
S
- Song: anything DMB
- Shoe size: 8.5
- Salad Dressing: balsamic
- Sushi:yes please
- Skinny dipped? yep
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries
T
- Tattoos?: 3
- Time for bed: depends
U
- Unpredictable: men
V
- Vacation spot(s): my front pourch, watchin the clouds go by
W
- Weakness: a man with stong arms
- Worst feeling: Loosing someone
- Wanted to be a model: never
- Worst Weather?: snow/ice storms
X
- X-Rays: a lot
Y
-Year it is now: 2010
-Yellow: lemmon
Z
- Zoo animal: Tiger!!!
BLAAAHHHHH
So I had an amazing afternoon watching a pretty good movie with my man, but now here i sit, looking at this house that is torn to hell, and I have no idea where to start.
Wish I had money for a maid.
Sometimes i wish i wasnt such a house wife, but i know i would miss it if i werent.
Wish I had money for a maid.
Sometimes i wish i wasnt such a house wife, but i know i would miss it if i werent.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
May 1, 2010
Sometimes i feel like I'm fighting a battle alone.
Andrew says he is there fighting with me, that he isn't going anywhere, that he loves me too much to walk away. But I feel like I'm going through a test... What do I need to do? I get multiple choice questions, and i feel like no matter what answer i give, its the wrong one.
I just want to have my happy family back.
I wish for one day, we could wake up happy, and go to bed that night the same way.
Now I sit here and wonder, if that will ever happen.
I sit here and look at my ring, and wonder, if that's still what he wants. Don't get me wrong, he keeps telling me it is, but... actions and words, you know?
I can sit there and try to do everything right, but there is always something i do or say wrong. I know we both have a lot going on right now. I miss my family, and he feels like it is his fault.
The truth is, there has never been anything said or done for them to not like him. All i know is, if i find out some ill shit was said, i would never forget that person, be it someone I know, or someone I don't.
I just don't understand... they never met Andrew, never seen him, never sat down and talked to him, never shared a meal with him. They don't know him, yet they don't like him. Why?
What sense does that make?
Someone please try and help me to understand this...
Andrew says he is there fighting with me, that he isn't going anywhere, that he loves me too much to walk away. But I feel like I'm going through a test... What do I need to do? I get multiple choice questions, and i feel like no matter what answer i give, its the wrong one.
I just want to have my happy family back.
I wish for one day, we could wake up happy, and go to bed that night the same way.
Now I sit here and wonder, if that will ever happen.
I sit here and look at my ring, and wonder, if that's still what he wants. Don't get me wrong, he keeps telling me it is, but... actions and words, you know?
I can sit there and try to do everything right, but there is always something i do or say wrong. I know we both have a lot going on right now. I miss my family, and he feels like it is his fault.
The truth is, there has never been anything said or done for them to not like him. All i know is, if i find out some ill shit was said, i would never forget that person, be it someone I know, or someone I don't.
I just don't understand... they never met Andrew, never seen him, never sat down and talked to him, never shared a meal with him. They don't know him, yet they don't like him. Why?
What sense does that make?
Someone please try and help me to understand this...
Friday, April 30, 2010
Good night...
Good night cuz this is my last post for tonight....
I had someone tell me today i need to have respect for other peoples feelings... the funny thing is, im not trying to disrespect anyones feelings, why cant people see that?
I feel like i sit there and talk, and text, and e-mail, and message, and i get nothing back from them. So I get hurt, upset, i may even seem angry, but then i sit there and bitch because they dont talk to me, they wont tell me what is wrong. Thats whats going on with my Aunt.
I dont know why she wont talk to me, I dont know why she doesnt like Andrew - she never even met him. And here, 5 months into our relationship, and she just... nothing... She never met him, never talked to him, never even seen him, and she refuses to talk to him.
I want to know why
I want ot know why the hell she acted this way...
I mean, she was everything to me, she was my best friend, my other Mom, she was my go-to person after I placed Keaton...
And now, when i have something like this in my life, and iw ant to share it, i cant, because she refuses to talk to me.
IF by chance your reading this, IF by chance there is some ounce of you that still wants to check up on me... I miss you, I miss Gracie, I miss Grandma... I miss the family...
PLEASE, just please tell me what Andrew did... because none of this makes any sence...
I had someone tell me today i need to have respect for other peoples feelings... the funny thing is, im not trying to disrespect anyones feelings, why cant people see that?
I feel like i sit there and talk, and text, and e-mail, and message, and i get nothing back from them. So I get hurt, upset, i may even seem angry, but then i sit there and bitch because they dont talk to me, they wont tell me what is wrong. Thats whats going on with my Aunt.
I dont know why she wont talk to me, I dont know why she doesnt like Andrew - she never even met him. And here, 5 months into our relationship, and she just... nothing... She never met him, never talked to him, never even seen him, and she refuses to talk to him.
I want to know why
I want ot know why the hell she acted this way...
I mean, she was everything to me, she was my best friend, my other Mom, she was my go-to person after I placed Keaton...
And now, when i have something like this in my life, and iw ant to share it, i cant, because she refuses to talk to me.
IF by chance your reading this, IF by chance there is some ounce of you that still wants to check up on me... I miss you, I miss Gracie, I miss Grandma... I miss the family...
PLEASE, just please tell me what Andrew did... because none of this makes any sence...
Hello... Anyone?
Thats how I feel sometimes.
I write this blog because Iw ant someone to know how I feel, and if you people out there dont know me, then you cant judge me. But, maybe you do know me...
Maybe you only know me from this blog... and thats fine with me. I dont even think my fiance knows me this well... I try, and i want to make him understand, but i dont think he can.
I just want someone to tell me that... I want someone to say "Patty, I understand..." But I want them to mean it. I want someone...
I love Andrew with every fiber of my being... But i need someone else... no, i dont want to leave him, or cheat on him. I just need a friend. I stay in this house, and the 4 walls are driving me nuts. I like being a house wife, i like cleaning and cooking and taking care of things. I just miss having friends, and getting coffee, and going to the movies, and dancing, and having fun.
Andrew is my husband in all but legal meaning... but i need interaction with others. He isnt like me, he is different. He is ok with not having many friends. I guess thats all I want, is a friend...
Hello... Anyone?
I write this blog because Iw ant someone to know how I feel, and if you people out there dont know me, then you cant judge me. But, maybe you do know me...
Maybe you only know me from this blog... and thats fine with me. I dont even think my fiance knows me this well... I try, and i want to make him understand, but i dont think he can.
I just want someone to tell me that... I want someone to say "Patty, I understand..." But I want them to mean it. I want someone...
I love Andrew with every fiber of my being... But i need someone else... no, i dont want to leave him, or cheat on him. I just need a friend. I stay in this house, and the 4 walls are driving me nuts. I like being a house wife, i like cleaning and cooking and taking care of things. I just miss having friends, and getting coffee, and going to the movies, and dancing, and having fun.
Andrew is my husband in all but legal meaning... but i need interaction with others. He isnt like me, he is different. He is ok with not having many friends. I guess thats all I want, is a friend...
Hello... Anyone?
April 30, 2010
I feel like a fucking failure...
I dont know what else to do anymore, becayse in the end, lets be honest, we fight just about every day. My depression is getting worse, and the happiness i once found, while everything is still the same, my depression is getting so bad that is flooding out the happy times.
What do I do?
I dont know what else to do anymore, becayse in the end, lets be honest, we fight just about every day. My depression is getting worse, and the happiness i once found, while everything is still the same, my depression is getting so bad that is flooding out the happy times.
What do I do?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
April 28, 2010
Something I want to scream into my pillow untill I lose my voice.
I dont really think people understand whats its like to be me. I know I have BiPolor II, and that is about enough; but top that off with a relationship my family refuses to accept, and make that family one who refuses to talk to me anymore, and add to that a daughter who lives with me and questions why she doesnt have her "fathers" last name, and why she just cant have my fiance's, a son who lives 3 hours away with a father who makes me feel like crap every chance he gets,.. oh, and another son who is 2 hours away that i signed away my rights for when he was born, and the possible two birth fathers he has. One of which is fucking amazing, and the other of which just really makes me confused.
Lets talk about MY home life. Stay at home mom and house wife with a full time on-line class scheule, and currently on a job hunt for part time work. Well, lets see... Summer break is coming up and we cannot afford child care.
I love Andrew to death, but sometimes i wish i could switch with him for a day...
The car? Gone...
My old job? Gone...
My family outside of him, kat, my aunt and cousin? Gone...
A way to church? Nope...
A way to work part time and actually bring money home from it? Nope...
I feel like I cant talk to him about things that bother me because he takes them so personally!!! It ends up in a fight, and i am so sick of fighting.
I just want to find the middle ground. I dont want to fight anymore, i dont want to call it quits, i dont want to be locked up in my emotions, but I have got no one. In fact, he is really the only one I have got...
I dont have people to call and talk to, or to cry to, or to talk to. I cant always talk my problems out with him, because sometimes they involve him and i need an outsider to tell me what to do. I feel like im losing my mind, or what i have left of it.
Sme days I eyeball the bottle of pills in the cabnet and other days i open up the cabet under the sink and stare down the bottle of alochol. No, i havent used either, but u have no idea how tempting it is.
Then other days, i just fantasize about being gone. No, i dont want to die, but a coma wouldnt be a bad thing. One that wipes out my memory of everything and everyone by Andrew, Kat, Alex, Keaton, Momma Kim, and my aunt and cousin. Seriously, sometimes, i think if i could do that, I would be ok.
I dont really think people understand whats its like to be me. I know I have BiPolor II, and that is about enough; but top that off with a relationship my family refuses to accept, and make that family one who refuses to talk to me anymore, and add to that a daughter who lives with me and questions why she doesnt have her "fathers" last name, and why she just cant have my fiance's, a son who lives 3 hours away with a father who makes me feel like crap every chance he gets,.. oh, and another son who is 2 hours away that i signed away my rights for when he was born, and the possible two birth fathers he has. One of which is fucking amazing, and the other of which just really makes me confused.
Lets talk about MY home life. Stay at home mom and house wife with a full time on-line class scheule, and currently on a job hunt for part time work. Well, lets see... Summer break is coming up and we cannot afford child care.
I love Andrew to death, but sometimes i wish i could switch with him for a day...
The car? Gone...
My old job? Gone...
My family outside of him, kat, my aunt and cousin? Gone...
A way to church? Nope...
A way to work part time and actually bring money home from it? Nope...
I feel like I cant talk to him about things that bother me because he takes them so personally!!! It ends up in a fight, and i am so sick of fighting.
I just want to find the middle ground. I dont want to fight anymore, i dont want to call it quits, i dont want to be locked up in my emotions, but I have got no one. In fact, he is really the only one I have got...
I dont have people to call and talk to, or to cry to, or to talk to. I cant always talk my problems out with him, because sometimes they involve him and i need an outsider to tell me what to do. I feel like im losing my mind, or what i have left of it.
Sme days I eyeball the bottle of pills in the cabnet and other days i open up the cabet under the sink and stare down the bottle of alochol. No, i havent used either, but u have no idea how tempting it is.
Then other days, i just fantasize about being gone. No, i dont want to die, but a coma wouldnt be a bad thing. One that wipes out my memory of everything and everyone by Andrew, Kat, Alex, Keaton, Momma Kim, and my aunt and cousin. Seriously, sometimes, i think if i could do that, I would be ok.
April 28, 2010
someone please tell me what the hell I am suposed to do...
It seems like if I open my mouth I say the wrong things, do the wrong things, ... it seems like I cant do anything right anymore.
Andrew says he wants to take care of the finances, and he wants me to not worry about it, and I say fine...
I told him today, I will let you worry about the money, and the bills; you get the pay check, so I will leave it up to you to get the bills paid, etc.
Well, he storms out with "Im going to work because this is just going to turn into an argument." But im like, WTF... I was just doing what you asked me to do!
IDK what to do anymore... I really just dont have any clue what im suposed to do...
It seems like if I open my mouth I say the wrong things, do the wrong things, ... it seems like I cant do anything right anymore.
Andrew says he wants to take care of the finances, and he wants me to not worry about it, and I say fine...
I told him today, I will let you worry about the money, and the bills; you get the pay check, so I will leave it up to you to get the bills paid, etc.
Well, he storms out with "Im going to work because this is just going to turn into an argument." But im like, WTF... I was just doing what you asked me to do!
IDK what to do anymore... I really just dont have any clue what im suposed to do...
Monday, April 26, 2010
to be or not to be
Yea its been a while since my last post but its just how I feel right now. I feel like I don't have much of a reason to live. I lost my best friend because she kept lieing to me ( I guess she wasn't much of a best friend). And now I'm losing my family because of andrew. It makes me feel like I don't have anything to live for. Best I got, I have to stay alive cuz I don't want anyone taking kat away from the only man who trully treats her like a father should treat a daughter.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
So, we are finally getting settled into the now Home.
I am so happy with the way life is going.
Andrew finally got down on one knee, and asked me to marry him; My daughter and I both said yes!
He is trully the love of my life, and I dont know what I would do without him. But I know he is not going anywhere, and that makes me happier then I can explain.
But, it is 5:15am, so I better start getting things ready; clothes, breakfast, etc.
I am so happy with the way life is going.
Andrew finally got down on one knee, and asked me to marry him; My daughter and I both said yes!
He is trully the love of my life, and I dont know what I would do without him. But I know he is not going anywhere, and that makes me happier then I can explain.
But, it is 5:15am, so I better start getting things ready; clothes, breakfast, etc.
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