Sadness...

Another Poem from Early 2009

Black as the clouds rolling in,
the thunder is as loud as my cries.
As he holds me down I fear my life,
Soon it will be over.

I wake to find he is gone,
I dont remember sleeping.
I blinked, and he was gone,
But the memory still is there.

Before breakfast I will shower,
Dont let them see your pain.
If she knows, will he hurt her to?
Dont chance it, just be good...

"Its your own fault" they say to a 10 yearold,
I remember his words,
The big brown van,
as we drove home.

Turn age 13...

Sunburnt and blistered,
My skin is numb yet on fire.
It was the shirt i wore,
the bra i did not wear...

"Do you know what he did?"
"It was not right or wrong, look at her."
I will never forget these words,
Not will i forgive him.

But I should,
I fed the man who took my womanhood before I was old enough to know what it was..
I fed him while he asked who I was because the tumor let him not know....
I fed him because the man who said it was not wrong was to weak from spending all day at his bedside.

Yes still... at 25, it is my fault
Yet still... i wish i had done something different.
Yet still... I pray for my Papa, he would have saved me, and not let this man touch me.
Yet still... I fear my daughters chance of survival in this world.

I still question my ability to make decisions that wont threaten my daughter,
I still question my ability to make decisions that wont threaten myself,
I still question my ability to make decisions that wont cause us harm,
I still question my ability to make any decisions...