Drowning in life

I've spent the last few weeks trying to find a doctor with no luck; well, I finally found one for my body, but have yet to find one for my mind.

Sometimes i feel like my depression is never going ot get better, and my anxiety is getting worse. Some people dont understand what its likfe; well, its like hell.

My anxiety keeps me from doing so much in life, that idk how the hell im going to make it till im 30. No matter what i am doing, i get these feelings that i cant explain. Even going to the grocery store is like a death sentence, so instead I ask Andrew to pick things up on his way home.

Then I started to notice; when i do get out of the house, my anxiety kicks in, and i try harder then HELL to push it off, but eventually, it takes over and i lose it.

we went cosmic bowling the other night with some friends and my sister, and i started feeling like I didnt want to go by like 4 in the afternoon and we werent even leaving untill 830. Well, i cant tell Andrew because I dont want to ruin his night, so i blocked it. Bad choice, because then, I feel like I ruined everyone's night.

And right now, my body...

My heart is pounding, it feels like I cant get a deep breath in, and im trying so hard not to cry that my chest hurts.

I have called every psychologist from Lakewood to Euclid, and no one is accepting new patience with my insurance.

This morning, I sat down to pee, and couldnt stand back up. Which usually, wouldn't have been an issue, except Andrew was home. I tell him about my issues, but for him to see them, makes me feel like he is more aware of how "broken" of a person I am.

Then my liscens thing - I dont know what to do. I have to pay all this stuff off, and we dont have the money; instead, i just sit here and cry.

People don't know what things I go through because not very many people have ever seemed to show they give a shit so why bother them with it?

I sit here and look at my life and realize, this isnt what I wanted. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom; but not because I physically cant work. I shouldnt be embarised about it, because it is what it is. But people make me feel like shit about it. Maybe they dont mean to, but they do.

And right now; in this very moment, i feel like everything is going against me.

My depression and anxiety is getting worse and worse and I dont know what to do anymore. I sit here and I cant even have a conversation with my daughter, or go outside and play, or do anything. Fucking - she tries to tell me a joke and I snap at her because "I just cant right now". Why cant i?? Im her mother!! I should be able to!!

But the sad thing is, I cant without my medication.

What kind of mother tells their child "I just cant right now"??

Sometimes i wonder what my point is here; Nate took Alex from my, I gave up custody of Keaton, and the more I think of them not being here the worse my depression gets. I feel like I cant function anymore; I feel like im pulling my family into this illness with me and I dont want that.

I want my family to be happy; I want my daughter to be happy; I want Andrew to be happy when he is here, I want him to WANT to ALWAYS be here.

He made a joke lastnight that he is usually fighting to come home, not to leave. I said "What do you mean?" he said its because of the way we fight.

Is it really like that? I block out fights and arguments because I dont want to deal with them, I dont have the ability to deal with them like a normal person. The more I think about them the worse i feel, the more down i get on myself, the more I want to scream at myself and self destruct.

sometimes I look around at this house and I think "What the hell happened?" I get up and start cleaning, and then not even half way through I think, "What the hell is the point, its not like your gonna be able to keep it clean, fuck it."

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANDREW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANDREW CLEANS UP THIS HOUSE MORE THEN I DO SOMETIMES!!!!!

But what I do mean is, I sit in this house and cry almost every day; It sometimes doesnt even phase Kathleen anymore, but I am so scared it will when she is older. She doesnt understand yet, you know?

I wonder if this is how I was when I was younger? My dad didnt cry, he just yelled, a lot. There was some physical stuff to, but I have only ever spanked Kathleen two or three times, and Andrew hasnt ever spanked her.

But it scares me - what if she is like me when she goes older? What if this is life for us? I dont want her feeling like this! I dont want ANYONE feeling like this.

Pains in my fucking chest, my back, my legs; my body feels broken.

And i keep getting these sharp pains under my skin, and then i get a small bruse; wth is that?!?!

...... I just want a psych who can help me get my mind together. I need someone to help me. I need someone to help me so I can be a decent person and mother.

If i could have, just one wish, I would wish to leave this Earth. Because sometimes, I feel like im dieing a little more on the inside every day. And I dont want anyone to see me any worse than am now...

I want someone to hold me and tell me its going to be ok. But I cant keep expecting Andrew to do that; he cant carry the weight of my health on his shoulders.