October 18, 2010 - Cant Sleep

There are some things in my life, past and current, that I dont share with everyone. We are all intitled to our own personal space.
This, is not one of those things.

I have no doubt that this blog probibly goes unread for the most part, but, I keep it for my own personal sanity. Weather you read it or not, like it or not, agree with what I say or not, is your business, not mine.

Today, its about my two sons.

Alex, while I dont get to see him, is my little man, my "Bubby". I miss him more then anyone knows or will ever understand. I placed him in his fathers care and was promosed to always be a major part of his life. But very soon after he began living with his father, i found those promises to be empty.

I dont get to see him as much as I want to. And now, i dont get to see him at all. I have no way there, and his father will not bring him here. So, what else can I do? I call every weekend, and weather or not they answer the phone is like a guessing game. sometimes I go two or three weeks without hearing my son's voice. But when he does answer, its liek hearing the voice of an angel. I dont think his father understands how much I miss him and I know for a fact he doesnt know or understand how much I love him.


Keaton, is another story.
When i found out I was pregnant, i didnt even toy with the idea of keeping him. I knew I couldnt care for him, and I knew I couldnt even think of an abortion; so adoption it was.
Now he lives with his God-chosen parents, and he has a great life. Unfortunetly, im not a big part of it. That is the decision I made. But, he knows who I am, he knows where he came from. And I know that every choice his parents make is for the best.
But sometimes, when im laying bed at night, and I cant sleep, somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, i swear I can hear a baby's cry.

That cry belongs to a baby i never got to cuddle during a 2am feeding, it belongs to a baby who's diaper I never got to change at 11pm. It belongs to a baby who's first step, tooth, laugh, smile, and word I never got to experience. That cry belongs to my baby boy.

One day, i hope it stops; but untill then, it will be a white noise that rings in my head when i lay in bed quiet and still in the dark.

Unknown to everyone around me, inside, i cry just about every day, and inside, i scream at everyone I see to tell me its ok, and tell me I made the right choice. While I know I did, sometimes i feel like I dont have peoples support when I need it.

This happens to be one of those times.

I need someone to let me cry on their shoulder and tell me its ok, that he is doing good, that he is right where he belongs.
Because sometimes, it feels like no one even remembers him. And thats really hard when i think about him at least twice a day.