April 28, 2010

Something I want to scream into my pillow untill I lose my voice.

I dont really think people understand whats its like to be me. I know I have BiPolor II, and that is about enough; but top that off with a relationship my family refuses to accept, and make that family one who refuses to talk to me anymore, and add to that a daughter who lives with me and questions why she doesnt have her "fathers" last name, and why she just cant have my fiance's, a son who lives 3 hours away with a father who makes me feel like crap every chance he gets,.. oh, and another son who is 2 hours away that i signed away my rights for when he was born, and the possible two birth fathers he has. One of which is fucking amazing, and the other of which just really makes me confused.

Lets talk about MY home life. Stay at home mom and house wife with a full time on-line class scheule, and currently on a job hunt for part time work. Well, lets see... Summer break is coming up and we cannot afford child care.

I love Andrew to death, but sometimes i wish i could switch with him for a day...

The car? Gone...
My old job? Gone...
My family outside of him, kat, my aunt and cousin? Gone...
A way to church? Nope...
A way to work part time and actually bring money home from it? Nope...

I feel like I cant talk to him about things that bother me because he takes them so personally!!! It ends up in a fight, and i am so sick of fighting.

I just want to find the middle ground. I dont want to fight anymore, i dont want to call it quits, i dont want to be locked up in my emotions, but I have got no one. In fact, he is really the only one I have got...

I dont have people to call and talk to, or to cry to, or to talk to. I cant always talk my problems out with him, because sometimes they involve him and i need an outsider to tell me what to do. I feel like im losing my mind, or what i have left of it.

Sme days I eyeball the bottle of pills in the cabnet and other days i open up the cabet under the sink and stare down the bottle of alochol. No, i havent used either, but u have no idea how tempting it is.

Then other days, i just fantasize about being gone. No, i dont want to die, but a coma wouldnt be a bad thing. One that wipes out my memory of everything and everyone by Andrew, Kat, Alex, Keaton, Momma Kim, and my aunt and cousin. Seriously, sometimes, i think if i could do that, I would be ok.