Lost

Drag me from this hell
I have built around myself.
My body no longer submits
To the mind that I own.

I feel as though I'm locked inside
This house I created for myself.
I cannot find the keys,
but oh, how i long to be free.

I feel like I am posessed
By this illness that controls me.
But i pray and pray and pray,
but this illness will not leave me.

Alas, I cry for help,
But my body wont give in.
I wish I could give into my body and mind
And just bring it to an end.

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August 21, 2010

Sometimes i wish i could climb into my own body and find myself again. There are pieces inside of me that are missing and i need to find them again. I need a way to fix the damage ive done.

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August 13, 2010

I wish I could erase the image from my mine; Grandma laying there in the casket. I wanted to tell her goodbye - to tell her I loved her - to tell her how much I care; but I got up there, took one look and just squeezed my eyes shut and bawled. She didnt look like my Grandma!! That wasn't MY Grandma - that was some was molded immitation!!!

She had been so sick; she was basicly skin and bones when she passed. That loose skin lay over her face like a poor excuse for laytex special effects.

Before we left, I walked up there, and closed my eyes; I kept my head down, and in my mind, I imagined her in bed at home - every time I went over there, even if she was asleep, I would walk in and wake her up, and tell her we were there. I would kiss her, and tell her "You can go back to sleep now, I just wanted to tell you I love you, and we are here." I always wanted her to know, I was there - because she always let me know, she was there....

I closed my eyes and saw her laying there in her bed; I held the birthday cake ornimant i had given her for our Birthday this year - I told her I just cant celebrate another Birthday without her - I told her I was sorry if I ever disappointed her; but then, it was like, i drew a blank,.. and her words flooded me - "Patricia, you will never disappoint me."

She was 88 when I came out to her as a "Lesbian", and i remember her words, "I just want you to be happy; God just wants you to be happy." Her words comforted me and told me, I would never disappoint her, because she just wanted me to be happy, for that, I will always be thankful.

I remember going to see her for the first time after Andrew and I went for our birthday; I sat down at the table with her, and I said, "So, you know about Andrew?" And she smiled and said "Yes, I know how happy he makes you." And she smiled, and of course, I smiled.

I remember telling her about Kathleen - we were out to dinner for my Mom's birthday, and I told her as we were walking into the resturant, and I remember I started crying, and she said "Patricia, things are just different these days." and then went on to say something about how she always will love having new babies in the family. She said the same thing with Alex, and when she found out about Keaton, and that he would be living with another couple, she always said, "Well, he IS still my Great-Grandson." Yes Grandma, he is :-)

Grandma taught me a lot of things; the greatest is LOVE.

Grandma - August 13, 2010

Today; I will try to be strong for myself, and others,but I really dont see it happening. I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach like I am going to be sick.

I always knew Grandma was old, but i never imagined life without her, and now that she is gone, it just doesnt seem real. I am scared to see her in her casket; to say goodbye to her. It almost feels like I am going through the motions, but nothing is real. I want to scream and cry, but i feel lik eI cant. I dont have the energy or the time for that matter. I don't think i could stop if I started.

My Grandma was my rock, my stonghold, and my guide. I confided in her about everything, and those times i was with her in that empty house; i told her my entire life, because she was the one who loved, but never judged. I remember going over as an Adult, and being at Aunt Janets alone with her, and laying my head in her lap and crying about Alex or Keaton; she never knew what to say, but she always said she loved me, and herthink fingers would stroke the hair on my head.

I went to Grandma for everything; from when i was a child to just a month ago. She was so loving, and she was so open, and she was so accepting.

But now here come sour time to be loving, open, and accepting; we have to love one another more then we ever have, we have to be open to the fact that Grandma is dancing with Papa now, and we have to accept that fact that she isnt coming home. We'll, I dont know if Im ready for all that yet. I dont know if im ready to accept that.

I still need her to tell me she loves me no matter what, I still need er to tell me that love is the only thing that is important, I still need her to tell me that I will make it through, I still need my best friend.

You know in the Bible is says the three most important things are Faith, Hope, and Love, but the greatest of those three is love? Well, Grandma taught us that more than anything.... I miss you Grandma, I just wish I coudl hug you one last time, or kiss your forhead and tell you I will see you soon. It will never be easy to leave Aunt Janets house and not hear you say "Be safe".

Grandma

I sat next to an Angel one day, her hands covered in wrinkles that told a story of her life. Each deep dark vein gave way to the hard labor that kept her home running smoothly. The crows feet by her eyes show for frowns she has expressed; but instead the smiles she has eminated over the 92 years of her life. Her husband proud to call her his "Wife"; her children proud to call her their Mother; her Grandchildren and Great-Grandchildren not only Proud, but Blessed, to call her their Grandma.

On August 11th, 2010, we said goodbye to our Angel; And on that day, God opened His doors and welcomed her home into His Garden. And as she entered the Gates of The Holy Kingdom, her Husband, George P. Fraser took her hand, and led her out onto the dance floor, to be her Forever-Husband and Dance Partner.

I Love you Grandma

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Grandma...

I didnt get to see Grandma today, and that hurts. It happens though, you know?
Last time i saw her, I whispered my prayers and love into her ear, as did everyone else, and I know that means alot to her. Its funny, there is one thing my Grandma always did in her life that the bible says.. "The greatest of all is love" and if there is one thing she taught us more than anything else, its love.

I never thought about how it would be like to not have her by our side. She has gotten sick quite a few times since 06, but never did she not come home and get better. My Uncle Ed pushed her, and she finally started walking without a walker, and she was getting her own food, coffee, etc. But these last two months, I guess she had been sleeping more and more. Well, now all she seems to do it sleep.

She is in hospice now, after a small stroke at home.

This time she isnt coming home; thats the hardest thing to deal with. She isnt coming home...

I want so bad to just lay next to her and cuddle her like I do Kathleen, tell her its going to be ok, that God is there, and so is Papa, and her parents, and everyone else.

But... no matter what she goes home to in Heaven, she wont be here with us, and that sucks. It really fucking sucks. Im sorry if im a little selfish, but it sucks. I just wish i had time to talk to her more, and tell her how much she has ment to all of us, and how much she has done for all of us. I am sure she knows, but its one of those "I wish i would have told her" kind of things.

I told her it was ok to go home with God and Papa, I told her Papa is waiting to dance with her through Heaven's doors, I evern held her hand and Sang Amazing Grace. But, there is always that one other thing you wish you said. But I dont think there is ever a chance to say everything... it would take alife time to tell Grandma how much she means to us, because she has spent a life time showing us her love.

IDK what else to say... I just really wish that... well, I dont know what I wish, because I dont want her to suffer.

But what I do pray, is that God wraps his arms around her and holds her for just one more night, so I can see her tomorrow....

I love you Grandma

August 2, 2010

I want to open up, i just dont know how. I know sometimes the things going through my head are too much, and so far out of wack, that i need to think them through. Isn't that what he dsaid to me? I know that when i ask him what he is thinking about, and he says nothing, I need to just say, "Ok". And i have been doing that. But here is the thing...

Some times, when i get upset with him about something, it has nothing to do with what he did, it has everything to do with all the other stress im dealing with. So, in the end, it has nothing to do with him, he is just who happens to be there when i've taken all i can handle. Thats why I dont like to talk to him every time im upset. Because, if eel like, "go talk to someone else, and figure out what your really upset about, before you go blow up on him for something he didnt do." But... he wants me to come to him. I dont want to come to him! Not because i dont want to confide in him, or run to him when i need help; i dont want to come to him when im angry, because i need to figur eout what im angry about.