Good night...

Good night cuz this is my last post for tonight....

I had someone tell me today i need to have respect for other peoples feelings... the funny thing is, im not trying to disrespect anyones feelings, why cant people see that?

I feel like i sit there and talk, and text, and e-mail, and message, and i get nothing back from them. So I get hurt, upset, i may even seem angry, but then i sit there and bitch because they dont talk to me, they wont tell me what is wrong. Thats whats going on with my Aunt.

I dont know why she wont talk to me, I dont know why she doesnt like Andrew - she never even met him. And here, 5 months into our relationship, and she just... nothing... She never met him, never talked to him, never even seen him, and she refuses to talk to him.

I want to know why

I want ot know why the hell she acted this way...

I mean, she was everything to me, she was my best friend, my other Mom, she was my go-to person after I placed Keaton...

And now, when i have something like this in my life, and iw ant to share it, i cant, because she refuses to talk to me.

IF by chance your reading this, IF by chance there is some ounce of you that still wants to check up on me... I miss you, I miss Gracie, I miss Grandma... I miss the family...

PLEASE, just please tell me what Andrew did... because none of this makes any sence...

Hello... Anyone?

Thats how I feel sometimes.
I write this blog because Iw ant someone to know how I feel, and if you people out there dont know me, then you cant judge me. But, maybe you do know me...

Maybe you only know me from this blog... and thats fine with me. I dont even think my fiance knows me this well... I try, and i want to make him understand, but i dont think he can.

I just want someone to tell me that... I want someone to say "Patty, I understand..." But I want them to mean it. I want someone...

I love Andrew with every fiber of my being... But i need someone else... no, i dont want to leave him, or cheat on him. I just need a friend. I stay in this house, and the 4 walls are driving me nuts. I like being a house wife, i like cleaning and cooking and taking care of things. I just miss having friends, and getting coffee, and going to the movies, and dancing, and having fun.

Andrew is my husband in all but legal meaning... but i need interaction with others. He isnt like me, he is different. He is ok with not having many friends. I guess thats all I want, is a friend...

Hello... Anyone?

April 30, 2010

I feel like a fucking failure...

I dont know what else to do anymore, becayse in the end, lets be honest, we fight just about every day. My depression is getting worse, and the happiness i once found, while everything is still the same, my depression is getting so bad that is flooding out the happy times.

What do I do?

April 28, 2010

Something I want to scream into my pillow untill I lose my voice.

I dont really think people understand whats its like to be me. I know I have BiPolor II, and that is about enough; but top that off with a relationship my family refuses to accept, and make that family one who refuses to talk to me anymore, and add to that a daughter who lives with me and questions why she doesnt have her "fathers" last name, and why she just cant have my fiance's, a son who lives 3 hours away with a father who makes me feel like crap every chance he gets,.. oh, and another son who is 2 hours away that i signed away my rights for when he was born, and the possible two birth fathers he has. One of which is fucking amazing, and the other of which just really makes me confused.

Lets talk about MY home life. Stay at home mom and house wife with a full time on-line class scheule, and currently on a job hunt for part time work. Well, lets see... Summer break is coming up and we cannot afford child care.

I love Andrew to death, but sometimes i wish i could switch with him for a day...

The car? Gone...
My old job? Gone...
My family outside of him, kat, my aunt and cousin? Gone...
A way to church? Nope...
A way to work part time and actually bring money home from it? Nope...

I feel like I cant talk to him about things that bother me because he takes them so personally!!! It ends up in a fight, and i am so sick of fighting.

I just want to find the middle ground. I dont want to fight anymore, i dont want to call it quits, i dont want to be locked up in my emotions, but I have got no one. In fact, he is really the only one I have got...

I dont have people to call and talk to, or to cry to, or to talk to. I cant always talk my problems out with him, because sometimes they involve him and i need an outsider to tell me what to do. I feel like im losing my mind, or what i have left of it.

Sme days I eyeball the bottle of pills in the cabnet and other days i open up the cabet under the sink and stare down the bottle of alochol. No, i havent used either, but u have no idea how tempting it is.

Then other days, i just fantasize about being gone. No, i dont want to die, but a coma wouldnt be a bad thing. One that wipes out my memory of everything and everyone by Andrew, Kat, Alex, Keaton, Momma Kim, and my aunt and cousin. Seriously, sometimes, i think if i could do that, I would be ok.

April 28, 2010

someone please tell me what the hell I am suposed to do...

It seems like if I open my mouth I say the wrong things, do the wrong things, ... it seems like I cant do anything right anymore.

Andrew says he wants to take care of the finances, and he wants me to not worry about it, and I say fine...

I told him today, I will let you worry about the money, and the bills; you get the pay check, so I will leave it up to you to get the bills paid, etc.

Well, he storms out with "Im going to work because this is just going to turn into an argument." But im like, WTF... I was just doing what you asked me to do!

IDK what to do anymore... I really just dont have any clue what im suposed to do...

to be or not to be

Yea its been a while since my last post but its just how I feel right now. I feel like I don't have much of a reason to live. I lost my best friend because she kept lieing to me ( I guess she wasn't much of a best friend). And now I'm losing my family because of andrew. It makes me feel like I don't have anything to live for. Best I got, I have to stay alive cuz I don't want anyone taking kat away from the only man who trully treats her like a father should treat a daughter.