Anxiety

Sometimes i wonder what the hell is wrong with me. My mom is picking me up soon to go visit my brother, and instead of being happy and excited, im sitting here with my heart pounding and thoughts of how to get out of going are running through my head.

I hate not having a car; it makes me feel trapped inside my own skin. I know that doesnt sound right... But when i had my car, i could leave when my anxiety level went up.

People who dont deal with it dont understand it. But lord knows i wish they did....

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Ugh.... idk why...

I wokr up this morning depressed and i really dont know why. I feel like i could just lay here and cry. I was in and out of it all night and hardly got any sleep. But now, im getting irritated and annoyed at everything, even sounds...

Sometimes i wonder if im ever going to be normal, and seriously, i just hate it

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Today is good :-)

Well, my dad just came to pick up food for Mike and the kids so they can eat dinner together at the hospital. I hope they enjoy it. I hate that i cant get there to see him, but maybe this weekend i will find a way. They stilll havent done his spinal tap so i know he is upset about that. I just really feel bad for him because i know what he is going through, only, my legs dont stop working the whole day, just a few minutes or an hour at a time.

In other news IM having a good day :-) i cooked them dinner, got most of the dishes cleaned up, and even started in on the laundry. Im glad i had more energy then normal, because i fee so much better when i can do things around the house.

So, im sitting at kats school waiting for her to get out... Myabe another 10 minutes or so.

Hope everyone else had or has a good day too!!

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Drowning in life

I've spent the last few weeks trying to find a doctor with no luck; well, I finally found one for my body, but have yet to find one for my mind.

Sometimes i feel like my depression is never going ot get better, and my anxiety is getting worse. Some people dont understand what its likfe; well, its like hell.

My anxiety keeps me from doing so much in life, that idk how the hell im going to make it till im 30. No matter what i am doing, i get these feelings that i cant explain. Even going to the grocery store is like a death sentence, so instead I ask Andrew to pick things up on his way home.

Then I started to notice; when i do get out of the house, my anxiety kicks in, and i try harder then HELL to push it off, but eventually, it takes over and i lose it.

we went cosmic bowling the other night with some friends and my sister, and i started feeling like I didnt want to go by like 4 in the afternoon and we werent even leaving untill 830. Well, i cant tell Andrew because I dont want to ruin his night, so i blocked it. Bad choice, because then, I feel like I ruined everyone's night.

And right now, my body...

My heart is pounding, it feels like I cant get a deep breath in, and im trying so hard not to cry that my chest hurts.

I have called every psychologist from Lakewood to Euclid, and no one is accepting new patience with my insurance.

This morning, I sat down to pee, and couldnt stand back up. Which usually, wouldn't have been an issue, except Andrew was home. I tell him about my issues, but for him to see them, makes me feel like he is more aware of how "broken" of a person I am.

Then my liscens thing - I dont know what to do. I have to pay all this stuff off, and we dont have the money; instead, i just sit here and cry.

People don't know what things I go through because not very many people have ever seemed to show they give a shit so why bother them with it?

I sit here and look at my life and realize, this isnt what I wanted. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom; but not because I physically cant work. I shouldnt be embarised about it, because it is what it is. But people make me feel like shit about it. Maybe they dont mean to, but they do.

And right now; in this very moment, i feel like everything is going against me.

My depression and anxiety is getting worse and worse and I dont know what to do anymore. I sit here and I cant even have a conversation with my daughter, or go outside and play, or do anything. Fucking - she tries to tell me a joke and I snap at her because "I just cant right now". Why cant i?? Im her mother!! I should be able to!!

But the sad thing is, I cant without my medication.

What kind of mother tells their child "I just cant right now"??

Sometimes i wonder what my point is here; Nate took Alex from my, I gave up custody of Keaton, and the more I think of them not being here the worse my depression gets. I feel like I cant function anymore; I feel like im pulling my family into this illness with me and I dont want that.

I want my family to be happy; I want my daughter to be happy; I want Andrew to be happy when he is here, I want him to WANT to ALWAYS be here.

He made a joke lastnight that he is usually fighting to come home, not to leave. I said "What do you mean?" he said its because of the way we fight.

Is it really like that? I block out fights and arguments because I dont want to deal with them, I dont have the ability to deal with them like a normal person. The more I think about them the worse i feel, the more down i get on myself, the more I want to scream at myself and self destruct.

sometimes I look around at this house and I think "What the hell happened?" I get up and start cleaning, and then not even half way through I think, "What the hell is the point, its not like your gonna be able to keep it clean, fuck it."

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANDREW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANDREW CLEANS UP THIS HOUSE MORE THEN I DO SOMETIMES!!!!!

But what I do mean is, I sit in this house and cry almost every day; It sometimes doesnt even phase Kathleen anymore, but I am so scared it will when she is older. She doesnt understand yet, you know?

I wonder if this is how I was when I was younger? My dad didnt cry, he just yelled, a lot. There was some physical stuff to, but I have only ever spanked Kathleen two or three times, and Andrew hasnt ever spanked her.

But it scares me - what if she is like me when she goes older? What if this is life for us? I dont want her feeling like this! I dont want ANYONE feeling like this.

Pains in my fucking chest, my back, my legs; my body feels broken.

And i keep getting these sharp pains under my skin, and then i get a small bruse; wth is that?!?!

...... I just want a psych who can help me get my mind together. I need someone to help me. I need someone to help me so I can be a decent person and mother.

If i could have, just one wish, I would wish to leave this Earth. Because sometimes, I feel like im dieing a little more on the inside every day. And I dont want anyone to see me any worse than am now...

I want someone to hold me and tell me its going to be ok. But I cant keep expecting Andrew to do that; he cant carry the weight of my health on his shoulders.

Catching up on life...

It's been about a month since I have written, so I figured maybe I should get something down here...

A lot has happened...

1
Heather and I were friends again, and everything was great - She would crash here, we would all play games, eat dinner, watch moves; then something happened again.. pills and drinking.
I was hurt, you know?
I tried so hard to be a good friend, Andrew and I opened our home to her so that she had a "clean" place to hang out. But, for her to chose the pills and drinking over me, just hurt... Then i just found out, she never was really sober; she had been using behind my back during the relationship, and during our friendship. She lied to me about all the time she said she was sober. No, i dont love her like I love Andrew; i dont think i ever did, and when i thought maybe i could, she would start drinking or smoking or do something really stupid and it ruined it. But, God knew what he was doing, because it got me to Andrew...

2
I keep looking for work. I have to do most of the job hunting online and putting in online aps because we dont have the extra money for me to take the bus all the time. So, i kinda check out craigs list, or put in aps online at websites that offer it (wal-mart, wallgreens, CVS, Target, etc..) I'll be honest and say im scared. Andrew makes enough for us to make Rent, and gas and my child support pays for the electric, but we struggle when it comes to the cell phone bill - at the end of the money, we have to buy things that takes up our "extra" cash. (Shampoo, conditioner, soap, laundry, etc). A lot of times I wonder how we will keep doing this.
Andrew has gotten word that the hospitals are finally hiring again for what he went to college for; but, jst because they are hiring doesnt mean he is going to be first in line, and first in the door. He couldnt fidn work out of school, and he had to take the first job available. So, now he has almost a year with no experience; but he wants these jobs so bad. He spends some of his days off just going around and making phone calls and trying to get the jobs.
My biggest fear is that his lack of experience isnt going to help any. Im scared you know?

3
I've lost a few people who I thought were close to me, and those who are emotionally and mentally close to me, are far away.
Heather I lost to drugs and drinking...
Chris I lost due to his lies, I just couldnt deal with the way he was acting..
then Jenn - we lost her because her new girlfriend literally believes that she OWNES Jenn the way a person would OWN a house or a car. She told Andrew that neither of us were allowed to speak to Jenn anymore.
Jenn helped us alot; she was a really good friend, and she helped us financially when she could. But you know, it just pisses me off - the girl Danielle that she is dating; she has literally taken ownership of Jenn's life, and we lost her because Jenn was willing to let her do this.

4
My health keeps getting worse and worse and im scared to be honest about it. Today on my way down to do laundry, it felt like my entire body went limp. I fell to the steps and i just cried. about 5 minutes later i got up and was able to finish going down the steps and get back up into bed.

I dont know if people understand how its feels; im not even sure the Doctors have the diagnosis right; but hey, they went to school for this stuff, not me.

Now my brother is in the hospital for the same thing i deal with every day. Its a little un-nerving because there are many times I have had an on-call nurse tell me to go to the ER, but I cant. And going to the doctors is a fear of its own; we have to take the bus and i get scared enough that my legs will give out when we are out. But, imhoping they can give him some answers that maybe i can go back to my doctor with... IDK..... it scares me that he is going through this for two reasons; i know how this feels, and i wouldnt wish it on anyone, i joke about buying a cane, but a lot of times, its a chore in itself to walk from the couch to the kitchen to wash dishes... forget the time it takes to stand there and do it. I always feel like my legs are going to give out, and sometimes they do.
And secondly, maybe they will give him something i can take back to my doctor.

Well, thats all for now, i guess i'll post again in a few days for an udate on my brother.