Home Alone

So, here it sit...

Why is it i miss him so much?

There really isnt much more to write other than that. I hate when he isnt here, but I know when he gets home he is going tobe right back in my arms, and his lips will be against mine.

6 Loads...

yep, sitting here at the laundry mat doing 6 loads of laundry.

Days like this are what make me love my new life, and make me love my family.

Sometimes I wonder what I dfid before he came along, and then I realized, a whole lot of nothing....

a Painful Love...

So, here I sit, trying my hardest to not move. I can hear Andrew in the room rustling around cleaning up, and putting things away. Its killing me. I cant get up and do anything. I mean, I could, but the look in his eyes when I was sitting there on the bed folding Jeans; he asked me to let him do it and for me to go do my homework. He started rubbing my legs, but I knew that would put me to sleep.

What could I do?

Its not that I don't want to do it, I want to do everything for him, I dont want him to have to worry about anything. I love running his bath water, I love cooking him dinner, I love knowing the look on his face when he searches for something to drink, just so I can jump up and get it for him.

But, here I sit...

I know he loves me, and I know he wants what is best for he and I and our family, So I will give that to him. This decision is his. I just hope that sometime soon, my doctors will be able to give me something to help me enought to make this pain go away.

As much as I love him, and trust that he will make the right decisions for both os us, it hurts me to know I cannot do the things I should be doing...

Life...

So this post is just a little bit different, its not about my love life, btu more so my life in general.

I have been out of work because of my fibro for about 2 weeks. This has been because of my Fibro, but my doctors screwed up my paper work. So, at this point, I am out of work longer then I wanted to be, and although it is paid, it still sucks to not be going to work every day. Thankfully I have a family and friends who love me (and also seem to think im NEVER going home. HA!)

Well, now I have to go through about 6 counceling sessions. Which, i guess is great for peopel who need them and cant afford them since its through KeyBanks EAP, but I DONT need them.

Anyways, so starts a paid vacation I guess.

"Copy and Paste" Pt. II

just another post from the same blog


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It's Lovely to be a Woman

I like being a woman in God's plan. As often as I am told that I need to "get with the 21st century" and that "women have rights" I often laugh. I would prefer to be a woman today than a man during any age of our human history. I enjoy biblical, submissive womanhood, and here are some of the reasons why.


1.I don't "have" to go to work every day. I have the choice to stay at home with my daughter and educate her at home as I have chosen to do.

2.I don't have to shoulder the responsibility of sheltering and feeding my family. That falls to my husband. My job is simpler: appreciate him and support him in his effort.

3.I get to spend more time with my children and learn invaluable skills that I can use in the home and pass on to them.

4.I have more time to spend on money-making hobbies at home, including writing, knitting and sewing.

5.I control the mood in the house. If the household is miserable, I am fully able to make my family happy by my own spirit and attitude!

6.I am the one ultimately in control. For a control freak like me, that rocks!
More than anything I love that I have the right to choose. Living in the 21st century, I have decided that I want to be a submissive wife, and I love it that way!

"Copy and Paste"

I just read this on another blog I read, and I wanted to post it on here. Now I can go back to it any time IW ant, and also I just wanted to try and share my thoughts with how I see my life.

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This is from the following blog...

http://hubpages.com/hub/Why-I-Choose-to-be-a-Submissive-Wife

God's Design for Marriage

God has a design for marriage. I know there there are many here on Hubpages who will disagree with this statement. After all, we are a community of secularists and atheists. I do not condemn those who disagree with my statements and those who disagree are not sinning for disagreeing. You were given the same free will as I was, and you must therefore make your own decisions.

From the time that God created Adam in the Garden of Eden, he had a purpose. He designed His first man in His image, and He created man with an authority. Man had dominion over the earth, and it was for man to tend the plants and name the animals. He had a special position of authority and was given the ability to make decisions and to choose between right and wrong. Man was given one rule to follow, and the choice to follow it in obedience to God or not.

Then there was woman. Genesis tells us that God said that "It is not good that man should be alone" and therefore He created Eve as a Help Meet for Adam. Eve was created to stand beside Adam, to support him and to build him up. She was created to take some of the load off of him and to give him companionship and someone to love. She was created with an open and loving heart and the ability to meet his needs, as she also could have her needs met by him.

There was balance to the environment in the Garden of Eden. Man had authority and woman followed the authority of man. Life in the Garden of Eden was beautiful until Eve fell victim to temptation.

Man and women, ladies and gentlemen, secular, Christian and "other" alike, were created equal. Men and women were created to be equal but different. That, my dear readers, was God's design for marriage

Quots to live by...

"Its not always about the things you have, its about the things we lost."

"In order for us to look into the future, we need to examine our past."

"Sometimes we just need to look around to realize that Heaven is not a place, its a feeling."

"People fuck up for a reason."

WHAT kind of quote is that?!?!

So, it camer to my attention today that sometimes we screw things up and just need to move on. My problem is that I am too empathetic to cut ties with people, and I think I just try too hard to keep ties together for others.

When I look around me, it makes me think of all the things I lost. I have two sons that i dont see much. Alex lives with his father, and his father thinks that my relationship with my son is not important. He thinks that my life is too busy for my son, and also thinks that it is not important for my son to build a close relationship with me as his mother.
This pisses me off to no end. I really dont want to loose him as a son. and I dont want to lose any chance I may have as being a closer parent int he future.

I also think of my son Keaton. I gave him up for adoption three days after he was born. But ask anyone else and he was already theirs before he was born. I knew as soon as I saw their family profile that they were exactly what I wanted and needed for my son.

Other losses??
My ex Heather. Not so much a loss for me, but for my daughter.

I saw my daughter get close to yet another person only for them to hurt me and walk away.
This time, things are different. I think this time, everything will be more effective. EFFECTIVE?!?!? Yes, thasnk you very much, effective. It makes a huge difference when you can be who you trully are instead of what someone else is asking you to be.
I can wear my clothes, do my makeup, my nails, and not worry about being called a "bitch". No thank you :o)

How amazing is it to have a man (FTM) that can make me feel like the woman I Was born to be. Sometimes God gives us obsticals that we have to get around in order to live a happy life. Some people can over come or over look them, but living in 2009 with a mind set of someone who is raising a family in the 1950s? Its not easy to do, and even harder to come by a man who will stand next to you, bit in front of you, and a man who trust you enough to hand you their heart and mind and family unity, and trust you to take care of them all perfectly.

Unhappiness should be an emotion added to the psychological dictionary. Being unhappy is something that we sometimes cannot control. But, other times we just need to look a little closer at the things we have in front of it. But, the funny thing is, we sometimes cannot see those things because others block our vision.

Andrew just happened to be one of those things that was hiding behind another (Heather). Thankfuilly, she did bring me one good thing, Him. Sometimes I wonder why people fuck up for a reason, but then I see him, look in his eyes, and I know all is right withthe world, And God. So... what do we do now?

I sit here and see my family in this place, and It makes my heat melt.

Kat hasd a man in her life that her eyes sparkle about, my best friend finally has found happiness, and I know I will never have to winder again if I will find happiness.

What is happiness? Well sweety... every time I look in his eyes, I find it all over again. And when we make love.... Its like another star is placed in the sky.... One day... we will have another child (or two if you ask kat... but then again, 3 would make us even, right babe?).

And when that times comes.. my life and family will be complete, and I love to see him happy more than anything.

baby your my everything.....

I had someone tell me one time, "people fuck up for a reason." Now I get it.

The last 8 months of my life were a whirlwind of emotions and ups and downs, and I sit back and wonder what I did wrong. I gave and gave and gave, and never got anything, or asked for anything in return. Sometimes I feel like I was used. If i didnt give in, i was manipulated to feel like the other person didnt matter, and God knows I would do anything for anyone. So the fact that someone thought I didnt care, made me bust my ass to show them I did.

Well, life changes, and mine did.

I cant explain the way I feel now, Im picky about the words I use. But I guess Love really sums it up.
I went from someone who didn't care unless things were being done for them, to someone who would never ask for anything, and genuinly appreciates when I do things. Someone who offers to do everything for me. He knows he doesnt have to, but I can look in his eyes sometimes and I can see everything.

Do you know what it feels like to appreciate a look on someones face?
Having to turn away because your blushing and can feel the smile spread across your face?

Have you ever gone to a store, and someone tried to talk you into buying something? Maybe a new laptop, or digital camera? They start to tel lyou all the features, and you eventually talk yourself into buying it, even though you know its not really what you want? Then you take it home and realize that all those things the salesperson told you were loads of crap?

Yea, that pretty much sums up my last relationship.

Now, have you ever walked into a room filled with people and things, but there is that one person who you cant tak eyour eyes off of. Someone that everyone is looking at, but your eyes cant move; your frozen.

You can see them, and they can see you, but you know in your heart you dont stand a chance. Still though, its nice to look. After all you have just been through, you have the right to have a girls night out, smiling and laughing, and flirting.
But is that it? no...

Things are so different with Andrew...
Our eyes danced away from one another so many times, I tihnk we were both scared to make eye contact. I looked like shit, and still swear I didnt have a chance with him; but I cant tell you why he wouldnt look at me.

But I can tell you this...

The week after that was amazing. Walks in the park, holding hands, driving around with him in the driver seat, never knowing when the next kiss was coming, the look in his eyes that make me feel like the center of the world.

Its the things he says, the way he says them, the way it feels when he dols me in his arms.

Its finally knowing that you found the one God made fo ryou, and not having to try and make yourself believe it.

I always thought life was about finding someone you could be happy with, and then making yourself fall in love withthem so you didnt have to be alone.

I was so wrong.

Life is about dealing with all the crap that throws you to rock bottom, only to have your Prince Charming, or Superman, come scoop you up, and hold you in the arms God made just for you.

I'll admit im scared, but I refuse to run. Ive never felt this way about someone before;
I have heard peopel talk abotu it, I have tried to convince myself I felt that way so I didnt have to be alone, but, to feel those feelings, and not have control over them, its scarey and exciting all at the same time....