Well, I just got off the phone with my Doctors office, double checked that they got my records to we were ready to see my PCP on Friday. They had one missing packet; family medical history. They has two main concerns;
1) Has anyone in my family had any type of bone cancer? (Why the hell this applies, i have no idea)
2) Has anyone in my family been effected with an Auto Imune Disese, or MS?
NO!!!
Now im scared. I told them no, and It old the nurse that they already did an MRI to check for MS, so that wasn't an issue. She said, that family history is very important because it can be heriditary, and an MRI can be clean and the patient can still have MS. Well, I didnt tell them about Mike.
He just got it, no one else in our family has ever had it, so how can it be blood related? Maybe he ate a bad burger or something. They say MS can be caused by a bacteria infection, so... maybe thats all it is.
Anyways, all the symptoms I have match MS & Fibro. And with a clean MRI, whats the chance that I have MS? Slim to none! I hope...
Well, when the nurse asked I called mom, she said no to both, unless you count Mike, then yes. Because MS is a form of Auto Imune Dieses.
IDK... now im gonna be worried to hell untill Friday.
Anyways, maybe now they will finally do the Lumbra puncture (spinal tap).
What ever the hell is wrong with me, I just wish they would fix it, because its starting to effect my mind too. And I dont like the person I am becoming.
Me, Myself, and I
Its just Me, Myself and I
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
October 18, 2010 - Cant Sleep
There are some things in my life, past and current, that I dont share with everyone. We are all intitled to our own personal space.
This, is not one of those things.
I have no doubt that this blog probibly goes unread for the most part, but, I keep it for my own personal sanity. Weather you read it or not, like it or not, agree with what I say or not, is your business, not mine.
Today, its about my two sons.
Alex, while I dont get to see him, is my little man, my "Bubby". I miss him more then anyone knows or will ever understand. I placed him in his fathers care and was promosed to always be a major part of his life. But very soon after he began living with his father, i found those promises to be empty.
I dont get to see him as much as I want to. And now, i dont get to see him at all. I have no way there, and his father will not bring him here. So, what else can I do? I call every weekend, and weather or not they answer the phone is like a guessing game. sometimes I go two or three weeks without hearing my son's voice. But when he does answer, its liek hearing the voice of an angel. I dont think his father understands how much I miss him and I know for a fact he doesnt know or understand how much I love him.
Keaton, is another story.
When i found out I was pregnant, i didnt even toy with the idea of keeping him. I knew I couldnt care for him, and I knew I couldnt even think of an abortion; so adoption it was.
Now he lives with his God-chosen parents, and he has a great life. Unfortunetly, im not a big part of it. That is the decision I made. But, he knows who I am, he knows where he came from. And I know that every choice his parents make is for the best.
But sometimes, when im laying bed at night, and I cant sleep, somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, i swear I can hear a baby's cry.
That cry belongs to a baby i never got to cuddle during a 2am feeding, it belongs to a baby who's diaper I never got to change at 11pm. It belongs to a baby who's first step, tooth, laugh, smile, and word I never got to experience. That cry belongs to my baby boy.
One day, i hope it stops; but untill then, it will be a white noise that rings in my head when i lay in bed quiet and still in the dark.
Unknown to everyone around me, inside, i cry just about every day, and inside, i scream at everyone I see to tell me its ok, and tell me I made the right choice. While I know I did, sometimes i feel like I dont have peoples support when I need it.
This happens to be one of those times.
I need someone to let me cry on their shoulder and tell me its ok, that he is doing good, that he is right where he belongs.
Because sometimes, it feels like no one even remembers him. And thats really hard when i think about him at least twice a day.
This, is not one of those things.
I have no doubt that this blog probibly goes unread for the most part, but, I keep it for my own personal sanity. Weather you read it or not, like it or not, agree with what I say or not, is your business, not mine.
Today, its about my two sons.
Alex, while I dont get to see him, is my little man, my "Bubby". I miss him more then anyone knows or will ever understand. I placed him in his fathers care and was promosed to always be a major part of his life. But very soon after he began living with his father, i found those promises to be empty.
I dont get to see him as much as I want to. And now, i dont get to see him at all. I have no way there, and his father will not bring him here. So, what else can I do? I call every weekend, and weather or not they answer the phone is like a guessing game. sometimes I go two or three weeks without hearing my son's voice. But when he does answer, its liek hearing the voice of an angel. I dont think his father understands how much I miss him and I know for a fact he doesnt know or understand how much I love him.
Keaton, is another story.
When i found out I was pregnant, i didnt even toy with the idea of keeping him. I knew I couldnt care for him, and I knew I couldnt even think of an abortion; so adoption it was.
Now he lives with his God-chosen parents, and he has a great life. Unfortunetly, im not a big part of it. That is the decision I made. But, he knows who I am, he knows where he came from. And I know that every choice his parents make is for the best.
But sometimes, when im laying bed at night, and I cant sleep, somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, i swear I can hear a baby's cry.
That cry belongs to a baby i never got to cuddle during a 2am feeding, it belongs to a baby who's diaper I never got to change at 11pm. It belongs to a baby who's first step, tooth, laugh, smile, and word I never got to experience. That cry belongs to my baby boy.
One day, i hope it stops; but untill then, it will be a white noise that rings in my head when i lay in bed quiet and still in the dark.
Unknown to everyone around me, inside, i cry just about every day, and inside, i scream at everyone I see to tell me its ok, and tell me I made the right choice. While I know I did, sometimes i feel like I dont have peoples support when I need it.
This happens to be one of those times.
I need someone to let me cry on their shoulder and tell me its ok, that he is doing good, that he is right where he belongs.
Because sometimes, it feels like no one even remembers him. And thats really hard when i think about him at least twice a day.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Day #7
Today i slept untill 7 and after kats went to school i got back in bed. I finally fell asleep untill after 10am, and then i got up. But for most of the day i was laying down.
I made sure to eat while i took my pills and i really think i just have to take them on an empty stomach.
I made sure to eat while i took my pills and i really think i just have to take them on an empty stomach.
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Thursday, October 7, 2010
Day #6
So, today was amazing.
I forced myself to get out of bed when Andrew left for work, and it was maybe the best thing I could do. I was out of bed for about an hour before I took my pills; i ate a huge bowl of chicken and noodles while I was taking them, and i think it made all the difference.
I had planned to start taking my meds at night, but I am hoping that this helps me to keep my stomach settled.
I am just really hoping that I dont have to start taking them at night because I dont want to wake up with a stomach ach.
I forced myself to get out of bed when Andrew left for work, and it was maybe the best thing I could do. I was out of bed for about an hour before I took my pills; i ate a huge bowl of chicken and noodles while I was taking them, and i think it made all the difference.
I had planned to start taking my meds at night, but I am hoping that this helps me to keep my stomach settled.
I am just really hoping that I dont have to start taking them at night because I dont want to wake up with a stomach ach.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Day #5...
Ok, i cant even tell u know annoying this is getting. I wake up in the am and my stomach is still hurting from the day before; only for me to pop more pills in my mouth and start all over again.
I did buy a big pack of crackers lastnight, so i had some of those this am before i took the meds. Im hoping that something gives.
These are just meda for my depression and anxiety; im worried how i will feel once they figure out whats really going on with my muscles.
Scared to say the least.....
I did buy a big pack of crackers lastnight, so i had some of those this am before i took the meds. Im hoping that something gives.
These are just meda for my depression and anxiety; im worried how i will feel once they figure out whats really going on with my muscles.
Scared to say the least.....
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Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Day #4 - mid session
I dont know, really irritated.
I left for traffic court this morning, and i didnt take my meds right away because i didnt want to feel sick during court. Well, to hell with that
I started feeling like Iw as going through withdrawals, I was shaking, and freezing and felt sick to my stomach. After court, i ran to the bathroom and threw up. We went home and got my meds before we went to the grocery store, so i started to feel alttle better after i took them.
Lets see how this evening goes...
I left for traffic court this morning, and i didnt take my meds right away because i didnt want to feel sick during court. Well, to hell with that
I started feeling like Iw as going through withdrawals, I was shaking, and freezing and felt sick to my stomach. After court, i ran to the bathroom and threw up. We went home and got my meds before we went to the grocery store, so i started to feel alttle better after i took them.
Lets see how this evening goes...
Monday, October 4, 2010
Day #3 wrap up
Well, i spend most of the evening in bed, and when i did get up i felt sick the whole time. But we will see.
I had one person tell me that their daughter didnt make it past 5 weeks and i had another person tell me that after 2 months they started losing the side effects.
Andrew is pretty understading he is just worried about my depression getting worse because it has before.
Im hoping tomorrow is better because we will be out most of the day, and idk how i will handle it if im feeling this way.
Will check in tomorrow!
I had one person tell me that their daughter didnt make it past 5 weeks and i had another person tell me that after 2 months they started losing the side effects.
Andrew is pretty understading he is just worried about my depression getting worse because it has before.
Im hoping tomorrow is better because we will be out most of the day, and idk how i will handle it if im feeling this way.
Will check in tomorrow!
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Day #3...
Ok, so i got up after like 2 hours of sleep and couldnt even lay back down (although i am now!) So i did all the dishes before i got my breakfast- 1/2 peanut butter sandwich and 1 cup of chocolate milk.
So i just took my meds, lets see how today treats me!
So i just took my meds, lets see how today treats me!
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Sunday, October 3, 2010
Day #2 cont...
Day #2 on Wellbutrin....
So i ate dinner but im not sure how long its going to stay down. So far so good, but Andrew things i may be running a fever. Buuuut i cant find my thermomater.
He is going to go get some ice cream and im hoping that will work to help cool me off. The popcicles are starting to taste just as nasty as the tums!
So i ate dinner but im not sure how long its going to stay down. So far so good, but Andrew things i may be running a fever. Buuuut i cant find my thermomater.
He is going to go get some ice cream and im hoping that will work to help cool me off. The popcicles are starting to taste just as nasty as the tums!
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Day #2
Yea, not so much.
I made breakfast this am; pancakes. I ate like 2 of them, had my water, then took my meds. OMG heartburn city. I have now become best friends with my tums bottle because idk what else to do. I feel like im going to puke every time i move.
Part of me wants to just say fu*% it, but the other part of me knows that these two weeks will be worth it once the side effects are over.
Anyone else take Wellbutrin? Did u get any side effects like this?
I made breakfast this am; pancakes. I ate like 2 of them, had my water, then took my meds. OMG heartburn city. I have now become best friends with my tums bottle because idk what else to do. I feel like im going to puke every time i move.
Part of me wants to just say fu*% it, but the other part of me knows that these two weeks will be worth it once the side effects are over.
Anyone else take Wellbutrin? Did u get any side effects like this?
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Saturday, October 2, 2010
Day #1
Well, i started my new meds today. They have me on 20mg of prozac and 150mg of Welbutrin. So far i just feel like i cant sit still, it almost reminds me of how it felt when i was on the Adapex to help me lose weight. But now im crashing... Idk what to do.
Day 1 - took meds and felt anxious and nervous and upset stomach.
Day 2 - a lot better i hope!
Day 1 - took meds and felt anxious and nervous and upset stomach.
Day 2 - a lot better i hope!
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Friday, October 1, 2010
Secong chance at life
Well, tomorrow i start my new meds; prozac and wellbutrin. Im hoping that this new chemical cocktail helps me get a second chance at life. I been trying to find the right combo since i was 13.
At this point, im willin to do or try anything to get my life and happiness back. Sometimes i wonder if i ever will, but at this point, i just want to smile and be happy. With losing my friends, and having to call a break with my other half; i just need something that will level my moods and ward off the anxiety.
Here's prayin that God sends me a way out of this...
At this point, im willin to do or try anything to get my life and happiness back. Sometimes i wonder if i ever will, but at this point, i just want to smile and be happy. With losing my friends, and having to call a break with my other half; i just need something that will level my moods and ward off the anxiety.
Here's prayin that God sends me a way out of this...
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