july 31, 2010

yea, I just don't get it. there are too many grown ups who act like children. why is it people have to act like they are more important than anyone else. makes me fuckin sick. I just don't underatand why people make themselves more important then others. when someone is dieing, I thought you were supose to pull together as a family. not make each other feel unimportant.

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grandma

So here I sit, next to an angel. she is sleeping, but I want so bad to hear her voice. I miss her already and she is only an arms reach away....

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July 29, 2010

It is no secret - I am not perfect.
I curse, i get angry, i cry for no reason, I look at photos of my son Alex and wonder where I went wrong. I have slept with more people then i know because my teen years and early 20's were filled with more drugs then i'll admit to. I have had my share of stays in a psych hospital, and i cant even tell you all the names of the phych medications I have been on. I at one point had 152 visible scars on my forarms. Once I was hospitalized for taking 27 Zoloft at once. Why? Im not sure. Once I took 5 different medications at once for the same thing because I wasnt sure which one would work.
These were all in the past....

Whats in the current?
Admitting when im wrong.

Today I took a butterknife to my leg. I use it because I knew it wouldnt make me bleed, but I would get some kind of pain from it. Well, as soon as I felt the burning, i got pissed because there was no blood; up to my arm I went; blood.

Sometimes i dont know what to do. I feel like my life is this downwards spiral. My aunt says, "Its all about choices, CC!" Im aware of that. Why do I make the wrong ones always thinking they are right? I know ALL my choices werent wrong. But I swear I thought all the ones that led me here were right.

There are three things I wouldnt chage; Andrew, Kat, and Keaton.

But just for today, i wish i hadn't drawn blood.